Five Stages of Deployment-- Acceptance

This is the fifth and last in a series of blogs based on Kubler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief. These, however, are the Five Stages of a Deployment, or extended TDY, or any time our Soldier is “away”.

The time frame for these may vary depending on the spouse and on the individual couple. For example, when we first got married and I had moved halfway across the country, our first CQ involved all five stages because it happened the first day in our new home. Now, I don’t really do many of these until about the third week, or they pass so quickly it’s a mere bad mood.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I am purposefully not doing the stages in the usual order, because even Kubler-Ross says these stages aren’t necessarily complete or chronological. Each person is unique.

Acceptance:

I've taken the longest to write this particular stage, because I wasn't exactly sure what this looked like.  Is it the "hooah-hooah Army wives rock" kind of feeling?  Is it the "I'm so proud of my Soldier and my country that this is worth it" spirit?

Acceptance is the most difficult stage for me, honestly.  While I try very hard to roll with the changes and the upheaval, and while I remind myself (and others) that this too, shall pass-- it's still very hard for me not to fight against it.  I had a former coworker tell me that I was "contentious" and I think he was right.  I certainly don't like to "settle" when there are things that can be done to improve upon or change a situation. 

So, anyway, reaching acceptance is a hard one for me, especially before a deployment gets started.  I find myself bracing against the changes that I know are coming, and tensing up against the waves of deployment "stuff".   I sort of grit my teeth and grumble, thinking "here we go again".

Then, I remember what the nurses told me when I was pregnant with the girls and was having contractions.  If you think about something else, if you relax the best you can and just let the wave take you, it doesn't hurt so much.  Fighting it, tensing against it, makes it hurt more.

That focus, that ability to accept the wave and just ride with it, is what acceptance is during a deployment.  The pain doesn't go away.  The upheaval is just as intense.  It just means that we are able to go on, despite it.  

We find a new way to be, for that time.  We find our ways to cope and our ways to breathe in, breathe out...  Not the shallow, tight, omigod-this-hurts breathing that comes when we fear something or when it seems unbearable.  That comes when the bus pulls away with our Soldier in it.  It comes occasionally when the doorbell rings and we fear the worst.  That painful breathing comes when the phone doesn't ring when we expected and hoped it would.

But we find a way to relax our hearts.  We find a way to ease our minds and focus on brighter times.  THAT is acceptance.

Sometimes acceptance comes with yellow ribbons and hooah t-shirts.  Sometimes it comes when we finally get around to making that list of things to do "before he goes".   Either way, acceptance is a tremendously difficult, yet sweet, stage of deployment.

The Five Stages: Denial

This is the second in a series of blogs based on Kubler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief. These, however, are the Five Stages of a Deployment, or extended TDY, or any time our Soldier is “away”.

The time frame for these may vary depending on the spouse and on the individual couple. For example, when we first got married and I had moved halfway across the country, our first CQ involved all five stages because it happened the first day in our new home. Now, I don’t really do many of these until about the third week, or they pass so quickly it’s a mere bad mood.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I am purposefully not doing the stages in the usual order, because even Kubler-Ross says these stages aren’t necessarily complete or chronological. Each person is unique.

DENIAL--


During a deployment or other “away,” denial doesn’t mean that the spouse pretends her Soldier is still home. We might be lonely, but we haven’t quite lost touch with reality. Well, not yet.

When a spouse is in denial, she tells herself that it’s not a big deal that her Soldier is gone. She might go so far as to pretend that it’s easier when he’s away.

This is when she spreads all of her stuff across the bed, across the bathroom counter, and is most likely to make some larger changes in their home, such as redecorating or painting. One of my friends put a humongous hole in one of their walls, she was so determined that she could and would get their house the way they wanted it while she was on her own.

Superwoman, thy name is Military Spouse.

Denial can last the entire “away”, sometimes. The spouse can cook what she likes (or that he hates, such as the dreaded pork chops my own husband despises), she can watch what she likes, and she can set up new rules for the kids. (Bedtime at 7 every night!)

Denial, in this case, can actually be very healthy. It allows the spouse some time to be on her own and to discover her own sense of accomplishment. New skills (such as hole-patching) might be learned. Denial helps push away the darker feelings and stages of any “away”, and keeps the lonelies at bay.

This is when we eat a little too much chocolate or watch a few too many hours of our favorite shows. Denial is when we make plans with friends for movies, or coffees, or makeup parties. We sign up for classes to fill the time.

Denial is most likely to come at the beginning of a long “away”, after the initial shock and despair have passed. Sometimes it comes before the Soldier has even left, when we begin making all those plans to fill up empty hours. Denial can reappear at other times during the “away”, whether it’s a two-week field engagement or a 15-month-long deployment.

Denial should not be confused with acceptance, which comes later and accompanies different feelings and experiences. Denial is when we believe we can do anything and everything. Denial is when we are more inclined to overdo, overextend, and overcompensate for that huge hole in our lives.


So what is your coping strategy?