The Difference Between Wanting and Ready

It's coming really close now, and we're wrapping up the last-minute things that occur before a long "away".  He has things he does around the house to make sure we're OK, and we have certain discussions that we always have before he goes.  It's not easy, but this is where "we've done this before" really helps.

I am not freaking out.

Ok, I am, but only inside and only a little bit.

One thing My G said last night really stuck with me, though, and it was something that my younger self needed to hear when we first got married, if I'd only known to ask. It's something that I think all "new" Army wives need to hear.

What he said: "Just because I am ready to go, doesn't mean I want to."

Sweet new Army wife, whether you're 20 or 40, these words are for you.
There is a huge difference between your Soldier (or Airman, or Seaman, or Marine) being ready to go on deployment, to school, to TDY, on an unaccompanied tour of any type - and wanting to leave you.

They are ready because they have trained, they have prepared, they are set to do what the country has asked of them or to fulfill the plan they've made for their career.

They are ready because they've done what they need to do in order to leave. They have orders in hand or their bags are packed or they've checked the handy checkboxes that their units have provided.

This does not mean they want to leave you.

Many servicemembers cry just as hard as their kids or their spouses when it is time to leave, but there are just as many who remain stoic. My G was one of the latter and he still is. This is his job, this is his career, and this is what he does. But it doesn't mean he wants to leave us.

Because we've been down this road so many times, we are able to joke a bit and make comments about "Good thing I won't be here" or "Whew, whole bed to myself!"  But that doesn't mean that we are eager for this separation. It doesn't mean that, if plans changed and he could turn right around and come back to us early, we wouldn't rejoice.

All it means is that he's ready.

In the grand scheme of things, "ready" is a good thing. I want him to have all the things he'll need while he's gone. I want for me to be ready, too, and have some plans and ideas for how to get through this time. "Ready" means that I have a Power of Attorney. "Ready" means that he has the training and the gear he needs to get the job done, whatever the job may be. "Ready" means that our girls know what is coming and we've spent some special time with them while we can. "Ready," in our case, means that we've had talks about budgets and house stuff and he's shown me how to program the sprinklers.

But I always remember that he'd really rather be here.

Homecoming

My G is finally home.  I truly have no idea how we made it through 15 months last time, while "only" 6 months this time seemed to be crippling and painful.  Is it because we thought this would be the last one, but due to some changes he'll be in for longer so who knows what the Army might plan?  Is it because of some health issues on both sides, or other things?

I have no idea.  I'm just glad it's over for us, and we can regroup until the next thing.

There are so many other spouses having homecomings right now, and so many more who are at this moment saying farewell to their service member.  This is not an easy life that we chose, and while it's not one that I would change I will admit it takes more out of me on some days than I am willing to give.

And then he's home.  And teasing the girls.  And (thank God) tackling the backyard project that had me flummoxed and cussing.  And just here, close enough to touch.

It is unspeakably sweet.

So, tonight, if you're with someone who means the world to you, do this one small thing:  Give thanks.  Let them know how much you appreciate their nearness.  Give them a hug, just to feel the sensation of your arms around them and their breath in your ear.  Breathe deep, hold on tight, and give thanks.

And take no moment for granted.  Not one.

Go Ahead And Surprise Me

I will admit to being a little odd.  Weird, even.  Those who know me well are nodding their heads.  Those who know me really well are probably laughing.

A lot of my friends watch those "Surprise Reunion" shows.  The news is full of Dads surprising kids, or wives getting surprised at special ball games.  I watch these and I tear up and I think they're really neat.

But I've never wanted to be surprised with a homecoming.  I've told My G that I really would prefer some notice, even if it's a call from the airport.  I've told him I don't do surprises very well.  I've told him many things.

I'd want to get myself ready...maybe a pedicure.

Change the sheets and towels.

Clear off his night table and give him back his pillows.

Clean off his side of the bathroom sink (I swear, my stuff wants to take over the world).

Vacuum, do the yard, put stuff away.

A thousand and one small acts of love and welcoming, getting myself and our home ready for him to come back-- they'd all need to be done.

The other day, when Little G was at an academic awards ceremony, I saw a soldier come in who vaguely reminded me of My G.  Just a little teeny bit, just enough to think "oh, I wish that were him."  And then something clicked in my mind-- I've reached the point in this deployment where I would be okay if he suddenly got a chance to come home.  I'd welcome it.  If he showed up in one of those surprise homecoming things, I'd hope that I was dressed nicely but all the same-- I don't care.

The house can be a mess.

I can always shower later.

The yard may not be perfectly mowed.

His car may still have my lip gloss riding in the cupholder.

I really don't think he will care.  And I won't either, now.

We've gone through three of these things now, plus a year of Korea, and this is the first time I've been done enough, tired enough, so the thought of surprise didn't send me into a tailspin.

If that had been My G, with his rambling walk and proud step, I'd have knocked people out of my way to hold him.  I wouldn't be thinking "oh my gosh the house is a mess" or "holy cow what else does this mean for us"-- I'd be thinking one thing and one thing only..

Finally.

What I Wish I Had Known

I belong to a Facebook group of "older" Army wives; we aren't all necessarily senior spouses, but we are all past the age of consent and we have a bit of perspective and maturity under our belts.

This does not keep us from snickering about naughty words, but it does mean we know how to act with decorum when the situation calls for it.

Well, most of the time.

I'm proud to call them friends.  Our discussions are lively and interesting and vastly entertaining, even on days when it's a little harder to find a smile.

Just today, the question was asked: "What are things you wish you would have known about the Army life when you were a new spouse?"  A good number of the statements below were shared on that FB page; they are all things I've learned personally as well.

When I look back, I remember lots of warnings about Army life.  That if the Army had wanted him to have a spouse, they would have issued one.  I was told that I would generally come second, and that the Army life was hard and I better be darn sure I knew what I was doing.

What I wish I had known, what I wish I had been told--

He won't hug you in uniform because it's against the rules, not because he doesn't want to hug you.   He'll still hug you later, when the unit isn't watching.

That sweet senior spouse who is taking you under her wing?  Spend more time with her.  Ask for a phone number and beg her to meet you for lunch.  She won't mind that you are clueless.

The days are long, but the years are short.   (This goes for parenthood, too.)

Everything is subject to change.   You will understand flexibility in a way you could never have imagined.

Rank is important, but not as intimidating as you believe.

Other Army spouses may not all be your friends.  But there will be a common understanding between you that soothes and comforts.

There is much to dislike about the Army life.  However, there is a dignity and strength to service that will hold you up later.

You will never look at an American flag the same way.

Your kids will be okay.  Keep being their advocate, keep believing in them.  There might have been easier ways for them to grow up, but they will end up okay in the end.

Sock more into savings.

Those free classes about understanding the Army?  Totally worth your time.  Take all of them.  (I took the first AFTB, Army Family Team Building, class when it was a pilot program at Fort Riley.  I wish I had taken the other two in person instead of online and years later.)

Be very, very careful when the First Sergeant asks the family members if they have any questions or concerns.  Sometimes he will really want to know so he can fix things.  Other times, it's a trap and it's best to keep your mouth shut.   You will not like his answer if you are wrong about his reason for asking.

Remember to hang on to who "you" are, even as you're changing into an Army wife.  When the buses leave and that farewell hug is the dimmest memory, you will need the person you are inside, most of all.

Never, ever trust the word "should," as in "We should be able to be back in time for your birthday" or "We should get reimbursed for that travel."

Take photos of everything you own.  Keep paperwork with you when you move.  The Army movers generally do a good job, but sometimes stuff happens.

Homesickness will literally make you feel sick inside, sometimes.

"Home" will have a whole new meaning for you.

Get used to writing plans in pencil.

From another blog that I wouldn't have understood as a new Army spouse-- You will have a wonderful life, and a husband you love more than anything who will come and go in and out of it.

You will get used to "hurry up and wait".  (I did not say you'd like it.)

Give your Soldier space when he first gets home.  This is as true for the moments after a regular duty day as it is for after a year-long deployment.  You will both need to adjust for a bit before you can talk it through.  (This one will be an ongoing struggle.)

Many of these things are true regardless of the marriage, regardless of the situation.  Saving, learning, staying true to yourself-- all good to know when you're young and starting out.  We grow up, we build a life, stitched together by common threads.  Military spouses often have to learn these things faster in order to keep their marriage strong, because there are so many other things we must learn at the same time.

Most important, I think, are the simplest things--

Always remember to say "I love you," even if you're mad at them.


And grab a kiss before they leave.

First Day, New School

Last week was the first class of Financial Peace University.  I am debating doing a Money Monday theme for a while, using the information we're learning.

But that's not what this post is about.

Last week, I went to the class excited about learning new things and looking forward to meeting new people.  As my friend Kim has said, I like people.  I love meeting new people.

Well, they weren't all that friendly.  They all knew each other, and they all seemed to attend the church where the class was held (which I chose because it was so close to our house).  They even seemed to view me with...well...suspicion.

Suspicion?  Me?

So, all week long it has bothered me a little bit.  I couldn't tell if it was my perception or if it was reality that they were chilly towards this new member.

I couldn't put my finger on it.  Until today.

I happened to mention to Little G that the class seemed a little distant.  They all seemed to know each other.  They didn't seem all that interested in this new person in their class.

She piped up, "Oh, like the first day at a new school."

Oh. My. God.

I get it now.  I, who only changed schools when everyone else I knew also changed them, suddenly get it.  I was an adult before I ever really had a "new school"-- and college is a totally different situation.

I really get it.

People talk about how resilient military kids are.  People talk about how brave they are, how strong, how everything.  I definitely agree.

But I didn't really, truly get it.  That chilly sensation?  That "everyone knows each other and they don't care about me" feeling?   That is what my Big G has gone through countless times.  That is what these kids go through every.single.move.

Some kids are really good at this, and they find their way very easily.  Some kids have it harder.  But do we really realize, do we really appreciate and understand what this does?

My class is a group of friendly, open adults.  Tonight's class was much better. I think it's because I am sitting back a little more and trying to ease my way into their group instead of jumping in with both feet.

I can imagine, though, how it would be if these were middle school kids.  Or high school teenagers.  And now that I know how that "New Kid" feeling really is, I have a deeper appreciation for what our kids go through.

I hope you do, too.

Kids are resilient.  Kids are strong.  But we must (absolutely must) recognize and appreciate what it takes to make them that way, and give them the resources and support they need.  I don't mean money, or special programs-- I mean a friendly smile when we see a new person.  I mean talking with our kids and really listening.  I mean understanding that chilly-new-kid feeling, and talking with them about it.

Thank you, Little G for summing up why the class felt awkward.  And thank you, Big G for turning into such an amazing strong person despite our lack of true understanding.

This can be a lonely place.

Need suggestions?  Look here-- New Kid in School

Tuesday's Ten

1. Mother of the Year I'm not.  Wife of the Year, probably not that either.  But we laughed a lot tonight, and that counts for something.

2. I'm not sneezing/snorting/hacking like some people are with the cedar pollen so high, but my head is about to explode.  Allergy pills would work for the sneezing.  They do nothing for the head.  Sigh.

3. We're getting closer and closer to the next deployment.  I had forgotten how yucky the nerves can be, even though I tell a lot of spouses what to expect.

4.  I really need to find the list of "rules" that another Army spouse wrote; they are amazing.

5.  Battle buddies rock.  :)  Who else reminds you that "good enough" is sometimes pretty awesome?

6.  I know another Army wife who is going to help me figure out the gym this year, and actually get an exercise routine and good-food habit going.   (Right, Kat?)

7.  My G got several shots today.  The usual painful ones.  I forgot, and poked him in the shoulder.  Hard.  Nope...no Wife of the Year.

8.  Meanwhile, Little G is asking me to take her to the America's Got Talent auditions.  I think I must be nuts...it almost sounds like fun.

9.  Almost.

10.  In the meantime, tomorrow is another day.  And I am thankful to be blessed by it.

PCS Season

You can generally tell when it's PCS season.  The moving trucks seem to multiply, the curbside loads up with empty boxes.  Depending on who is moving, either your pantry is nearly empty or your fridge gets filled with those last few things that just couldn't be used up.

I currently have two packages of salmon, three biscuit cans, and a container of peppermint whipped cream in my possession.  I will admit to a strange sort of fascination with the odd flotsam and jetsam that turns up during this particular turn of the tide.

One of the toughest things about being a military spouse is saying goodbye.  It seems like we do it on a constant basis.  Goodbye to husbands, goodbye to favorite schools and teachers and doctors...  Goodbye to dear friends.

Sometimes we are really blessed and we wind up stationed together again.

Facebook makes it easier, too, than it used to be-- we can still check in on the daily little details of our friends' lives.

But it still stinks.  The last hard squeeze, the glimpse of a face twisted in grief.  Miserable.

I've done this before.  Growing up, I never moved-- but all of my dearest friends, did.  To this day, I keep in touch with one friend from third grade whom I have not seen in person since we were 11.

I'm good at long-distance.  I guess that was all preparation for an Army life.

But I don't like this part.  It still hurts.

On the other hand, I am so blessed by the friendships I've made, thanks to the Army.  I am thankful beyond measure for what we have shared, for those conversations and those funny little get-togethers that have knitted together our hearts.

I shall miss you.

You know I'll keep in touch.  Not quite stalker-ish, but certainly here for you.

Love you, my friends.

Tuesday's Ten-- It Costs THAT Much?

Today my head is reeling with dollar signs.  The first few things that happened are all very good things and I am looking forward to some new challenges and experiences.  The others...not so much.

1.  As of today, I'm helping in our local library.  I love books, I love reading, I love helping people.  Great combo.

2.  I have also met the Deputy Commander for My G's group that deploys shortly.  Unless told otherwise by others who haven't weighed in yet, I'm now their newest FRG leader.

3.  What the heck have I gotten myself into...

4.  Funny...throw in some information about ACS, vFRG knowledge, FRG classes I've taken, and it makes me seem very capable.

5.  Still...what the heck have I gotten myself into...

6.  Then I take the car in to have a teeny scratch and dent (about an inch long?) looked at for an estimate.  I'm thinking, at worst, a couple hundred dollars.  The estimate, including our special two-step paint and all labor, is $900.

7.  I'll repeat-- $900.  Really??

8.  In this same day, perhaps we should not have gone to find out how much it will cost to have carpet put into two bedrooms.  300 or so square feet, total.  We're thinking a couple-few hundred dollars there, too, and it looks like a good bet for a Christmas makeover.

9.  That estimate, including free installation and military discount, is over $900 too.

10.  I'll repeat-- $900.  Really??  For two bedrooms?  Insane.

So-- Why Thank A Spouse?

A friend of mine, also the spouse of an active duty Soldier, clued me in to a discussion about thanking a spouse on Veteran's Day, or any other day.  

On Veteran’s Day, we acknowledge and thank our Veterans and our active duty military members for their service.  Sometimes, I get a “thank you, too!” as a spouse.  It always makes me smile.  Sometimes it catches me off guard, because most of the time I don’t think about it.

But I appreciate the word of thanks.

And I think any spouse of a service member deserves it.

Some disagree—I’m fine with that.  That's their right.  But I’d like to explain why it is important to acknowledge these spouses.

I am the spouse of an active duty Soldier. 

I don’t sleep in a tent.

I don’t carry a gun.

I don’t get multiple vaccinations for God-knows-what.

My life is not going to be on the line.

I am not given orders that I must obey without flinching. 

While my behavior can reflect positively or poorly on my Soldier, I will not get formal reprimands for the people I talk to or the way I look.

So…why thank a spouse?  What do we do?

We’re the ones who help the Soldiers stay focused. 

We bring them back from the brink, when no one else is close enough to see how much they hurt.

We give them something to come back to, a reason to fight in the first place.

We hug them, when the world is so cold.

We keep their finances and their homes and their lives running—so they can focus on staying alive. 

While the average citizen is sleeping comfortably, we are up all night talking to our Soldiers. 

Or simply up all night, praying.  Because there has been a blackout of all communications.

Or up all night, bathing a child who has the stomach flu and only wants their other parent.  

You know, the other parent who is protecting the country.

How is this different from being a single parent?  Well, I addressed that in “Single Mom? Hardly” last month.

But what do we do?  What do we REALLY do, that deserves any credit?  

Let me ask you this—was the Greatest Generation only great because of the sacrifices of our military?  

No.  They were great because our grandparents did what needed to be done to fight that fight and keep things going on the homefront.  At the time, the entire country rallied around, and anyone who could serve—did so with pride.

That’s not the case now.  But I digress.

Those who keep things running so that these Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines will have something worth coming home to, worth fighting for, well—we wage a battle of our own.

We fight against depression, darkness, and the boredom of those who forget that we are still a nation at war.

We fight against the ignorance of those who say “it’s no big deal”.  I’ve heard that “it’s no big deal” that they’re deployed.  I’ve heard that “it’s no big deal,” that I’m just doing a wife’s “duty”. 

To some extent, I agree that it’s a wife’s duty.  I’m just old-fashioned enough to think that yes, I should do whatever it takes to support my husband and keep the house running.

But, lest the rest of the world might forget, we are the ones who remember.  

These men and women are not doing this just to take care of their families.  

They are not doing this for the paycheck.  

They are not doing this for personal gain.  

They are bearing the burden for the rest of the country—and we are helping to make sure they can do continue to do it.

So, yes.  Thank a vet.  And if you know the spouse, tell them “thank you for sharing your Soldier”.   

Five Stages of Deployment-- Acceptance

This is the fifth and last in a series of blogs based on Kubler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief. These, however, are the Five Stages of a Deployment, or extended TDY, or any time our Soldier is “away”.

The time frame for these may vary depending on the spouse and on the individual couple. For example, when we first got married and I had moved halfway across the country, our first CQ involved all five stages because it happened the first day in our new home. Now, I don’t really do many of these until about the third week, or they pass so quickly it’s a mere bad mood.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I am purposefully not doing the stages in the usual order, because even Kubler-Ross says these stages aren’t necessarily complete or chronological. Each person is unique.

Acceptance:

I've taken the longest to write this particular stage, because I wasn't exactly sure what this looked like.  Is it the "hooah-hooah Army wives rock" kind of feeling?  Is it the "I'm so proud of my Soldier and my country that this is worth it" spirit?

Acceptance is the most difficult stage for me, honestly.  While I try very hard to roll with the changes and the upheaval, and while I remind myself (and others) that this too, shall pass-- it's still very hard for me not to fight against it.  I had a former coworker tell me that I was "contentious" and I think he was right.  I certainly don't like to "settle" when there are things that can be done to improve upon or change a situation. 

So, anyway, reaching acceptance is a hard one for me, especially before a deployment gets started.  I find myself bracing against the changes that I know are coming, and tensing up against the waves of deployment "stuff".   I sort of grit my teeth and grumble, thinking "here we go again".

Then, I remember what the nurses told me when I was pregnant with the girls and was having contractions.  If you think about something else, if you relax the best you can and just let the wave take you, it doesn't hurt so much.  Fighting it, tensing against it, makes it hurt more.

That focus, that ability to accept the wave and just ride with it, is what acceptance is during a deployment.  The pain doesn't go away.  The upheaval is just as intense.  It just means that we are able to go on, despite it.  

We find a new way to be, for that time.  We find our ways to cope and our ways to breathe in, breathe out...  Not the shallow, tight, omigod-this-hurts breathing that comes when we fear something or when it seems unbearable.  That comes when the bus pulls away with our Soldier in it.  It comes occasionally when the doorbell rings and we fear the worst.  That painful breathing comes when the phone doesn't ring when we expected and hoped it would.

But we find a way to relax our hearts.  We find a way to ease our minds and focus on brighter times.  THAT is acceptance.

Sometimes acceptance comes with yellow ribbons and hooah t-shirts.  Sometimes it comes when we finally get around to making that list of things to do "before he goes".   Either way, acceptance is a tremendously difficult, yet sweet, stage of deployment.

What Happened?

I hope to be back soon with another Five Question Friday-- if anyone wants to take part, I hope you'll drop me a line in comments and I'll let you know how to participate and share your Five Questions.  If you have questions about the military, or about being a military spouse, feel free to post those as well.

In the meantime, today's post--

What Happened?

She looked familiar,walking across the parking lot. The two women with her, sniping at each other and all but ignoring her-- could those be her daughters?  Really, how could that be her?

She seemed so much older. Even allowing for the intervening years I would have vastly overestimated her true age.

I'll admit...I did not stop. I did not put a hand to her shoulder and say her name. I did not, on a day when it was obvious the years had been kind to me, want her to see pity or sadness in my eyes when I looked at her. 

What happened, between then and now, that brought her pain enough to only shuffle as she walked? 

What happened, to etch those lines on her face? Her shoulders bent, her pallor not only from the gray outdoors... 

What happened?

I know, when we worked together, that her husband was nearing retirement from the Army.  I know he had one more deployment to finish, then he would PCS to another location for a year and then they could be a family again.  Together.

I know she waited for that day.  I also know she was nervous about it.  Nervous about him getting a job after retirement.  Nervous about learning to be a family again.  There are so many factors that go into creating a new life after deployments.  There are millions more that pop up after a Soldier retires.

So again, I wonder tonight.  What happened?  Did he come home safe?  How is her son?  Are they a family again?   I say a prayer for her-- for her health to improve, for her daughters to respect the mother I know she has always tried to be, and for her Soldier.  

Whatever happens.

Five Question Friday-- Semper Gumby

I have been fortunate to meet many amazing and supportive women since My G and I got married.  The first few ladies were both wives of senior NCO's and I remember feeling like they had swooped over to (almost) literally tuck me under their wings and explain Army life to me.  They were singularly dedicated to their Soldiers, yet they could also be pragmatic and very straightforward about Army life.  They gave me some advice, and then they left me alone to find out for myself what I needed to do to succeed as an Army wife.

Stephanie has always reminded me of these women.  I met Stephanie because she does predeployment and reintegration training and preparation for Army Community Service.  Her job is to give young spouses and young Soldiers (and some not-so-young ones too) the tools they need to successfully get through deployments and then to create a new "normal" once they are home.  She is also a Master Trainer, which in layman's terms means that she teaches others, how to teach like she does.  

Did I mention I've learned a lot from her?

Stephanie's predeployment talks were legendary by the time my husband returned home from his second deployment.  She would talk, with frank humor and perfect phrasing, about such things as getting the motor running after a long time in the garage-- sometimes welcoming a Soldier home after a deployment is not the wine-and-candles romance it seems, and she wanted wives to understand that physical and emotional intimacy may take time.  My battle buddies and I were tired from laughing so hard by the time she finished.

I can't talk about Stephanie, though, without talking about her Soldier.  I wish I could have met him.  Her love and respect for him is so obvious, and she is such a strong person, that I can only imagine what an amazing team they made.  It's not my story to tell, about this dedicated retired Soldier, husband, and father and the life that ended too soon.  It's a story you can read in her book, Once in a Wifetime, which I recommend to all spouses.  But I can tell you that his effect lives on in her humor and strength and example for all of us.

Stephanie, I don't know if you read my blog.  I'd love it if you did.  But I wanted to say "thank you" for all the times I've seen you pick yourself up after ridiculously long days.  "Thank you" for the example you've set for all Army spouses, of strength and humor and dedication.  And "thank you," especially, for those times when you were a friendly smile when I needed it most, or when you allowed me to be that smiling presence for you. 

I'm honored that you answered my questions.

1. What are some things you know now about military life that you wish someone had told you? 

I thought being a veteran prepared me for anything - especially being a military wife, but that was so far from the truth! Nothing prepares you for the changes and challenges you face as the wife of a Soldier except being the wife of a Soldier.

2. What is the most important thing you'd like to tell new spouses?

Don't take the hard times personally - they are not meant that way, even if they come across that way. They are the challenges you face while building something truly amazing!

3. What do you love the most?

The thing I love the most is being part of an elite group of strong, resilient and amazing women who face challenges on a daily basis that would make mere mortal women run and hide.

4. What do you find the hardest?

What is the hardest part? Sometimes it's realizing that you are not priority number 1 when you really want to be and knowing that it will be that way ----a lot. The job, the kids, the house, the bills, the dog even, may all come before you because he/she knows that no matter where you come in line, you will always be there and that someday, maybe after retirement, you will be number 1 again.

5. Tell me a story that sums up military life for you.

My favorite story about my Soldier - hard to pick just one - so many - some funny, some sad, some noble, some not so... but I have to say that my favorite is not about his time with me, but his time with our daughter. Watching this hard as nails, tougher than concrete Infantryman, laying on the floor in a tent fortress made of sheets, pillows and couch cushions, watching My Little Pony (or some other children's video) while dining on oreos and milk with his favorite little girl. This was their "COOM" time (camping out with oreos and milk). 

Mom was not invited to attend or spend the night - I was curled up in bed with a book or sat at my computer working on my own book, while two of the most precious people in my life spent a special night together, making one of their very precious memories. In theory it is their memory, but the laughter, the giggles, the smiles on their faces at the special memory shared - that's a memory, a treasure that I will have forever.

Five Question Friday-- Me, Myself, and I

Well, it's Friday, and I always try to have a military spouse/veteran's spouse/retiree's spouse check in.


But I didn't have any new answers for my questions.  I've tried, but I know people are busy and maybe they're tired of this idea.  I don't know.  The Internet goes fast.


But I thought I'd do at LEAST one more-- and answer the questions myself.

1. What are five things you know now about military life that you wish someone had told you?

 Everyone was right about what Army life would be like. 

    Everyone was also wrong.  

    My Army family can sometimes be more important, or at least more understanding of what I’m going through, than my “family”.  

    I never realized how strong I can be.  

    And I wish someone had told me how precious each of these days is.  Even the first little crappy place we lived, in memory, is a mansion because that's where we started out.

  2. What is the most important thing you'd like to tell new  spouses? 

       GET INVOLVED.  Not necessarily on post (although that is good and can be a lifesaver), but getting involved in something outside yourself, outside your Soldier, and outside your little family can be absolutely crucial when he is in the field or training or (especially), deployed.

   3.   What do you love the most?


    I love that I “get it”—I love that the Army terms, routines, rituals, rites, and the whole patriotic mess mean more to me because I understand it and I have been blessed to live it. 

   4. What do you find the hardest?


    The sheer unpredictability of the military makes me absolutely nuts sometimes.  Joy and grief and maybes and probably-won't's and the dreaded "should"...this roller coaster is not for the faint of heart.

   5.   A story:  


    We got married in between my classes ending and finals beginning, during “dead day” at the University of Arizona.  We had two days together as a little honeymoon, and he flew back to Kansas on Mother’s Day.  I began finals the day after.  During the regular semester, I had one name.  For finals, I had another.  It would be nearly two full months before we’d see each other again, after he had finished NTC and found us a home.  I learned to drive, packed up my life, and copied down all of his mother’s recipes.  J  This all seems so old-fashioned to me now, but something tells me spouses still get married like this sometimes and will have their own “on their own” stories to tell.  




   I'd really love to hear from you.  What story do you have to share about just starting military life?  Or life in general?  Leave me a comment.  Or two.  :)

Five Questions-- Let Me Introduce You

My friend Maggie doesn't know this, but there was a time when her friendship kept me from going over a pretty dark cliff.  She, and others, helped me realize that the issue at hand wasn't something I could change or fix, and that I was still strong and worthy and "okay".  

I worked with her husband and I remember when their family came to the unit-- it was like a light had gone on in a room that hadn't seemed dark.  Their precious little boys, their love for those precious little boys, and their love for each other made the rest of the world brighter.

So here you go-- I'm glad you get to meet my friend Maggie.

1. What are five things you know now about military life that you wish someone had told you?

Sometimes things happen for a reason and God’s ways are not our ways and sometimes He uses Uncle Sugar’s employees to demonstrate that.

Sometimes there is no good reason for the way things happen with the military and you’ll be a lot happier if you just go with the flow.

Don’t fret too much about the friends you will be leaving at one duty station because chances are you’ll meet up again at another duty station. A lot of times goodbye is just for a little bit. 

Be FLEXIBLE!!! Getting wrapped around the axle about something you and your spouse are powerless to change is a total waste of energy.

Although it will be hard, sad, lonely etc., it will also be the BEST time of your life.

2. What is the most important thing you'd like to tell new spouses? 

Do yourself a favor and keep busy with something positive. Get an education, volunteer, engage in healthy hobbies, and surround yourself with others who are like-minded. There is plenty of opportunity to wallow in misery and fall in with bad company. Just don’t!!

3. What do you love the most? 

The opportunity to meet new people at every duty station; variety is the spice of life right? I have had the privilege of meeting some of the most amazing people ever, thanks to military life.

4. What do you find the hardest?

Military funerals, even if the deceased was someone you only new causally or by association. Not a single day passes by that I don’t think of our dear friends that paid the ultimate price for freedom.

5. Tell me a story that sums up military life for you. 

I went to my first duty station absolutely bitter because I was not going where I wanted to go and I was not going to be doing the job that I wanted to be doing either. The only bright spot or so it seemed at the time was that a friend from basic training was already there. (We’re still friends to this very day.) 

I got to my first unit and discovered that it wasn’t so bad after all. I made friends quickly AND I enjoyed the job after all!! My boss, to whom I shall be forever grateful, introduced me to my wonderful husband. If that wasn’t good enough, I got the kind of friends that last a life time and I keep making more with every new duty station.

The Five Stages-- Bargaining

This is the fourth in a series of blogs based on Kubler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief. These, however, are the Five Stages of a Deployment, or extended TDY, or any time our Soldier is “away”.

The time frame for these may vary depending on the spouse and on the individual couple. For example, when we first got married and I had moved halfway across the country, our first CQ involved all five stages because it happened the first day in our new home. Now, I don’t really do many of these until about the third week, or they pass so quickly it’s a mere bad mood.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I am purposefully not doing the stages in the usual order, because even Kubler-Ross says these stages aren’t necessarily complete or chronological. Each person is unique.

Bargaining—

I think most military spouses bargain with God during any “away”--  We pretend to ourselves that if we keep the yard nice, keep the kids “okay”, keep busy and involved enough, then our Soldier will come home safe.  He (or she) will come home whole.

It’s a farcical bargain, of course.  Far too many Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines never make it home at all.  Even the simplest training exercise can sometimes result in tragedy.  Deployments, during which it feels like our military member has a great big target on their back, are more fraught with danger and risk.   Whether they come home whole and hearty is not something we have control over.

Which, of course, is the scariest part of any “away”.  We have no control, ultimately.  It comes down to faith in their training, in their awareness of the risk, and their desire to come back to us.

When faith wavers, and we aren’t sure who to turn to, we begin to bargain with ourselves.  We’ll take that class, we’ll make the home improvement, we’ll keep our kids busy just like if our Soldier were home.  Then, of course, he’ll come back to us.  He’ll be proud of us, and he’ll know that we, too, have made sacrifices for our country.

I can’t speak for all military spouses, of course.  I can only speak for myself, really.   When I am mowing, though, or taking care of the cars, or really doing anything around the house that would normally be in “his lane”, the biggest frustration for me comes when I can’t do it as well or as nicely as he does.  I want to do it well, so he has something nice to come home to, and he doesn’t get saddled with fixing whatever it is that I’ve done.

I will admit to another kind of bargaining, as well.  I’m a touch superstitious.  When I used to be on call with my former employer, I wouldn’t say that the phone had been quiet—until my duty period was over.  I don’t talk about a check I’m anticipating until I receive it.  I don’t watch the news while my Soldier is gone, and I really don’t like talking about what he might be doing or experiencing unless there is something that can be done to help him. 

I realize, even as I’m trying to do things “just right” and trying to ignore the news, that my husband’s time is not up to me or up to what I do or don’t do.  I believe in a God who has an ordained plan. I also know that the surest way to have my Soldier happy to be home and proud of me, is to do my part to keep our marriage as strong as possible.  That focus on our marriage will help, I know, when he comes home.  Whether he comes home strong and whole, or hurting in some way, the marriage will need to be strong to withstand the reintegration period that is such an adjustment for all military Families.

That won’t stop me from making one more small bargain.  I won’t post this blog until he’s home this time.  

Choice and Appreciation

Is it any wonder that so many military marriages end in divorce, especially following a deployment or other extended time “away”? 

This might not seem like a logical (or even hopeful) opening for a blog titled “appreciation”, but I’ll explain. 

And to my Soldier, if you read my blog, trust me—I’m keeping you. :)

Whenever my Soldier is away, I do all of my own stuff and all of his stuff, too.  I also get to sprawl across the bed, and take up as much counter space as I want to.  I find myself capable of opening my own bottles (usually), mowing the yard, finding care for the cars and doing small maintenance jobs around the house.  I act as both mother and father to our children.

I think this strength is partially to blame for some of the divorces that come along.  Wives figure out that they are capable of doing quite a lot more than they are usually asked or required to do.  So in some ways, they don’t “need” their spouse.  Without that need, what keeps the marriage going? 

Easy—we choose to keep our marriages.  We choose to keep our relationships strong.  We choose to love, laugh, sometimes argue, and make up with our spouse.  It is the person, not what they can do for us, which becomes our focus.

Don’t get me wrong—I just finished mowing the yard today.  That is my own little hardship labor during his “aways”.  When mowing, I cuss at the mower, beseech her to start again, beg the tall weedy things to actually let themselves be CUT…  I wonder sometimes what the neighbors think, if they can hear me.  During this time, I learn to appreciate my Soldier even more.   He does a fantastic job with our yard.  It is mowed, it is edged, it is trimmed so nicely.  When weeds pop up, they bow before his mower in a dance of supplication.  When I finish mowing, many of those same weeds pop right back up again. 

The thing is, though, that I don’t “need” him for those things he does around the house.  I can ask for help, I can struggle through, and I’m a pretty darn capable person.  The reason I need my Soldier is for what he brings to my life by simply being…himself.  Whether he is thousands of miles away or lying right in bed next to me, I choose him for who he is.  I choose to love, laugh, argue and make up with – him.  Sure, I could do it on my own.  Sometimes, thanks to the Army, I have to.   But life is sweeter and funnier and warmer when he is in my life.  

Five Questions: Boundary Keeper

My friend Dee Squared is another lady I've met via the joys of the internet. Whenever someone needs a prayer, or a kind word, Dee is there. She strongly advises that people keep proper emotional boundaries so that they don't get sucked into other people's drama, and she often recommends the book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend. Many military spouses have benefited from this advice, whether they've read the book or not.

Thank you, Dee, for taking the time to answer. :)



1. What are five things you know now about military life that you wish someone had told you?

A - A good attitude can go a long way in any situation. Is the glass half-full, or is it half-empty?

B - You have to be really flexible sometimes - Semper Gumby! If your hubby calls you in the middle of the day unexpectedly, be prepared for, "Honey, have you ever heard of XYZ Base? There's a slot open there that I might be sent to fill." Ask me how I know.

C - Your closest friends may be people you've never met in person, but perhaps if you're REALLY lucky, you may be able to get together once or twice in this crazy life we live. LOL!

D - Never be afraid to ask questions, and don't stop until you're satisfied you know what you need to know. And don't think you know everything there is to know about military life. Things are always changing, and what might be policy 10 years ago may no longer be so now.

E - Stay out of your husband's work issues. You wouldn't want him dealing with your work issues, so afford him the same respect. This does not mean, however, that you can't be there to listen to him and offer advice. Just don't be too quick to run down to his office to fight his battles for him, no matter how tempted you may be. I've learned to ask, "Do you want advice, or do you just need to vent?"

2. What is the most important thing you'd like to tell new spouses?

Arm yourself with the knowledge about the military. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Seek out a long-time military wife and learn from her.

3. What do you love the most?

I've loved the opportunity to experience various parts of the world that I probably would never have thought of going to if I'd not been in/involved with the military.

4. What do you find the hardest?

Saying good-bye to friends (for PCS) and to my husband (for deployments).

5. Tell me a story that sums up military life for you.

When my oldest was in preschool, there was an event at her school where family/friends were invited to attend. I was making conversation and asked another student's grandmother, "So, how long are you in town for?" The answer: "We live down the street from him (the student)." LOL! I'm so used to our nomadic lifestyle that I just automatically assume grandparents live far away.

The Five Stages: Denial

This is the second in a series of blogs based on Kubler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief. These, however, are the Five Stages of a Deployment, or extended TDY, or any time our Soldier is “away”.

The time frame for these may vary depending on the spouse and on the individual couple. For example, when we first got married and I had moved halfway across the country, our first CQ involved all five stages because it happened the first day in our new home. Now, I don’t really do many of these until about the third week, or they pass so quickly it’s a mere bad mood.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I am purposefully not doing the stages in the usual order, because even Kubler-Ross says these stages aren’t necessarily complete or chronological. Each person is unique.

DENIAL--


During a deployment or other “away,” denial doesn’t mean that the spouse pretends her Soldier is still home. We might be lonely, but we haven’t quite lost touch with reality. Well, not yet.

When a spouse is in denial, she tells herself that it’s not a big deal that her Soldier is gone. She might go so far as to pretend that it’s easier when he’s away.

This is when she spreads all of her stuff across the bed, across the bathroom counter, and is most likely to make some larger changes in their home, such as redecorating or painting. One of my friends put a humongous hole in one of their walls, she was so determined that she could and would get their house the way they wanted it while she was on her own.

Superwoman, thy name is Military Spouse.

Denial can last the entire “away”, sometimes. The spouse can cook what she likes (or that he hates, such as the dreaded pork chops my own husband despises), she can watch what she likes, and she can set up new rules for the kids. (Bedtime at 7 every night!)

Denial, in this case, can actually be very healthy. It allows the spouse some time to be on her own and to discover her own sense of accomplishment. New skills (such as hole-patching) might be learned. Denial helps push away the darker feelings and stages of any “away”, and keeps the lonelies at bay.

This is when we eat a little too much chocolate or watch a few too many hours of our favorite shows. Denial is when we make plans with friends for movies, or coffees, or makeup parties. We sign up for classes to fill the time.

Denial is most likely to come at the beginning of a long “away”, after the initial shock and despair have passed. Sometimes it comes before the Soldier has even left, when we begin making all those plans to fill up empty hours. Denial can reappear at other times during the “away”, whether it’s a two-week field engagement or a 15-month-long deployment.

Denial should not be confused with acceptance, which comes later and accompanies different feelings and experiences. Denial is when we believe we can do anything and everything. Denial is when we are more inclined to overdo, overextend, and overcompensate for that huge hole in our lives.


So what is your coping strategy?

Five Questions: Army Sister

My friend Najia is the one I wrote about in "Sisters of Another Sort" She is super-independent, super passionate, and she blew me away when she offered to stand in for a spouse whose Soldier had been seriously wounded in combat. It seems like such a simple thing-- he was in Germany and needed someone by his side for a little bit. The spouse was in the US and couldn't be there to actually lay eyes on her husband. Najia was in Germany-- of course she went.

When Najia comes back to the States, I hope she will resume her career as a teacher. More kids need her dedication, passion, and intelligent look at life. I will admit that she and I don't always agree on how to approach things or even on certain subjects-- but she always makes me think. And that's something I really value in a friend.

So here are Najia's Five:

1. What are five things you know now about military life that you wish someone had told you?

* You can't beat the system. Yes, the system is stupid, broken, flawed, and at times corrupt yet you will NOT win by jousting at its ACU covered windmills. Learn to work it, learn to navigate it...but don't waste your time trying to fix it.

* All stereotypes about enlisted and officers including their spouses and children have a grain of truth to them. Don't look for the hallmarks of what "they" are like but don't be shocked when you find them, either. That being said, make friends across the great rank divide. Do NOT think you must only befriend enlisted if your spouse is an E or officier if your spouse is an O. The Army is much too small to paint yourself into that corner!

* It is easy to lose yourself in the Army. Your career very well may take a back seat simply because of the nature of the beast. My own career fell to crap due to our constant moving and it was (and still is) incredibly difficult for me. So if you have a career make it a portable one and even then, make sure you do not gauge your own self worth based on your career or income.

* Nobody cares how smart, driven, capable, or trainable your Soldier is. They simply will not promote until it fits the needs of the Army and in some cases, a Soldier's career can stall for years. It sucks and there is no way around it so you help your Soldier hold his/her head up! Be a team and a cheerleader at the same time.

* Walmart can be cheaper than the commissary. ;)


2. What is the most important thing you'd like to tell new spouses?

Listen to older, wiser, more jaded Army wives than you. It is easy to blow them off and think their experiences will not be YOUR experiences. Lord knows I did. And now? Now I am one of the older, wiser, more jaded who just shakes their head at the newbies who won't listen. That's OK though. They will learn soon enough. LOL!


3. What do you love the most?

Odd bouts of pride! There are times when all of a sudden I am head-over-heels in love with being an Army wife. I will walk down the street and see a Soldier carrying a baby while in his ACUs. I will see a wounded warrior I have never met in my life and am inexplicably flooded with love and gratitude. Bizarrely enough, when a civilian bashes the Army I leap to its defense. (Not to say my fellow Army wives and I won't tear it to shreds...but we can! We have earned it! They, in my oh-so-humble-opinion have not).


4. What do you find the hardest?

I think keeping the "what if's" at bay. Being a Solider is not an easy career. Lives are lost. In the back of our minds and in the bottom of our hearts, we ALL KNOW it could happen to our Soldiers. My son has sat in the classroom and been told that his friend's father was killed in Iraq. How do you convince a heartbroken and terrified child that HIS father is safe? How do you lie to him and explain that could/would not ever happen to his father because of x,y,z? Better yet, how do you lie to yourself?

I think it is normal to allow our minds to drift to the dark side, to imagine what it would be like to get "the call" or see a chaplin walk up to your doorstep. By imagining the horror, we somehow believe we are preparing ourselves for the worst...and perhaps we are. But you cannot live there. Life is far too short and much too precious to waste worrying about the "what if's". When I have induldged those morbid fantasies, they interfered with my ability to give love as freely and receive as fully as we each deserve. I have learned to push that acrid taste of fear back into my belly when it creeps up...you would be wise to learn to do the same.


5. Tell me a story that sums up military life for you:

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, OK. Here we go...

We hadn’t been at Fort Campbell for more than a week before my husband started dropping hints. “I met with my captain and told her all about you, she would really like to meet you sometime.” “I bet you would do great if you had been in the Army, you should really meet my captain.” Being new to the Army world, I didn’t recognize this butter-up job for what it was…my husband was being wooed by his NCOs at the prospect of snagging his wife as a volunteer. Not just any volunteer either; his captain was receiving pressure from her higher ups to find an FRG leader. (Cue sinister music here.)

Being a brand spanking new Army wife, I had joined a number of online support groups to learn about this foreign career that I apparently signed up for when my husband took the oath to support and defend our country. I had heard all the rumors from those who had gone before me. FRGs (Family Readiness Groups) were a boiler of politics. Enlisted wives and officer wives clashed the way women clashed best…psychologically, all the while smiling. Backstabbing was the norm. I was warned the gossip rumor mill thrived in FRG meetings and my personal home life would be a matter of public record (and debate). It seemed every active duty wife had a horror story, every girlfriend had attempted to join only to be excluded, and every retiree’s wife was grateful to be out of the “support group”.

Frankly, I thought these women had issues. I mean, really? I was a professional educator. I was a woman who was used to handling 120 students a day, navigating the political arena of staff meetings, and managed to tactfully maintain my bearings when dealing with belligerent parents. As far as I was concerned, those complaining about FRGs and sharing those stories were doing the very thing they condemned: gossiping and creating drama. I recalled being pregnant and having every woman I met try to outdo the other with a bigger, more dramatic labor story. The FRG horror stories seemed awfully similar. I mentally filed their stories away as the sour grapes of bitter women. Their narrow experiences would not be mine.

Additionally, I had been told that as a wife of a specialist I would hold a rather low place on the Battalion totem pole. Enlisted were not to fraternize with Officers, likewise enlisted wives were not to hang out with officer wives. Like it or not, those women had access to your husband’s boss and office politics could be determined in the comfort of their living rooms. The stereotype was that enlisted wives were young, uneducated, and “breeders” (read: tons of children) and unappreciated by their older, higher educated “O” wife peers. The stereotype made me uncomfortable. Mostly because I knew that wasn’t me and set out immediately to dispel the myth.

The wooing continued and my husband came home with the captain’s phone number for me to call to “welcome me” to Fort Campbell. My husband had been advised by other soldiers that my being active in the FRG would only be a good thing. It would reflect positively on him and his career. Looking back, I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me at the time to ask why they didn’t have their wives accept the FRG leader position and reflect positively on their careers. I was too busy imagining having BBQs and hanging out with untouchable officer set I kept hearing about. In my mind, I was one of them. High speed. Educated. Mature. I knew I would fit in beautifully. That and let’s face it, with the upcoming deployment it wouldn’t hurt to be in ‘on the know’ for breaking news and information. I was nosy like that.

A couple of phone calls later, I found myself sitting across from my husband’s captain at Starbucks. Captain Lisa O’Malley was not your stereotypical officer….at least not by what I had been told to expect. She was in her mid-twenties, had blond hair, blue eyes, a perky nose and an infectious personality. She was girly with an edge and had a wicked sense of humor. She talked about her time at West Point and how, despite her qualifications, she constantly had to prove herself to the “boys club”. I liked her immediately. She had brought along her XO’s spouse to introduce me to as well. Kate was in her early 30’s, with a tiny and petite hard body. She had a loud laugh and welcoming smile. Unfortunately, she also had a 4 year old in tow who was tearing Starbucks apart brick by brick.

“We are going to get along so great! That is very important…there needs to be good communication between the FRG leader and the Commander,” Cpt. O’Malley gushed. “We will need to get this rolling soon. We haven’t had an FRG for the past year and the families really need to be brought together before the deployment.”
I sipped my latte as Kate’s son catapulted over the sofa for the 10th time. “You are going to love everyone! We are not the typical officers’ wives. We drink, cuss, burp…” Kate laughed. I was pretty sure every woman I ever met had drank, cussed, and burped so I wasn't sure what to do with that little gem of information but I was grateful for the extended friendship.

“Kate, aren’t the wives getting together soon for coffee?” Cpt. O’Malley asked. “You should go. It would be the perfect time to meet folks and start recruiting volunteers. THESE are the women who are going to help you. They are fantastic.”

“Yes, next week actually.” Kate’s friendly smile shifted slightly at the thought. I didn’t get a chance to process the change of expression as her son shot between us, knocking over magazines on a table.

“Great! I would love to come” I answered while picking up magazines watching the hellion dart the other direction.

“Sweet! I will pass your number onto the Lt. Col’s wife, Cecelia and she can give you directions to her house” Cpt. O’Malley responded.

Soon enough the meeting was over. O’Malley had to get back to the shop, Kate had to take her demon spawn home for a nap, and I had to figure out what the hell an officers’ wives coffee entailed. I found my answer in a marvelous little book called “The New Armywives Handbook”. Later that evening, as I soaked in the tub, I scanned through the chapters.

“Ken! Listen to this” I called to my husband. ((((insert quote))) Are they serious? This is like some crap my grandmother had to navigate back in the 50’s. “My husband wandered into the bathroom and gave me a blank look. The idea of wives having a proper way to drink coffee, enter a room, or greet other wives was beyond his realm of experience. It sounded just as ludicrous to him.

“Don’t worry about it, babe. I can’t imagine they really expect that of anyone anymore.” Huh. The book was nice waste of $29.95 as far as I was concerned. I let the book flop shut as I tossed it on the floor next to the tub. And with the sound of that satisfying thud, I didn’t give Army etiquette a second though.

The day of the coffee I stood in front of my closet preparing to dress. For a brief moment, the haunting words of The Armywives Handbook flashed through my mind. “(((insert quote about clothing)))” A quick snort of disgust brought me back to reality. “Ridiculous” I muttered to myself. I settled on a pair of khaki capris and summer top. A quick glance at the clock revealed I had 30 minutes to get wherever I was going. Where was I going? Cecelia never did call with the directions to her home. It was just a mix-up of communication to be sure. I was suddenly reassured this woman was as busy as I was and dropped the ball every now and then. Not being one to get overly excited about miscommunication, I just called CPT O’Malley.

“Hey Lisa? I was wondering if I could get directions to Cecelia’s house from you? I am supposed to be there in 30 minutes but have no idea she lives.”

“Sure. Um. I don’t know where she lives either…let me give her a call and have her call you real quick.”

“Thanks girl!” I ran around my home gathering my “to go” kit. Cell phone? Check. Car keys? Check. Dogs outside in the backyard? Check. Five minutes passed, then ten. Fifteen minutes after I spoke with Lisa the phone finally rang.

“Hello?”
“Najia? It’s Lisa. Hey, um…I feel horrible. I don’t know what to say…”
“What’s wrong, Lisa? Are you OK?”
“Yah, I’m fine. I mean…(deep breath)…Cecelia wanted me to tell you that you can’t come to the coffee. I guess she only allows Officers’ wives to attend and well, your husband is a Specialist…” Lisa’s voice trailed off. “I am just so embarrassed, I feel terrible. Najia?”
“I’m here. Sure. It is okay. I understand. I am sure I will get a chance to meet everyone later.”

After a couple more minutes of awkward chit-chat, Lisa let me go and I sat on my sofa stunned. I had just been officially slighted, banned from my first social event because of my husband’s rank. Cecelia couldn’t even be bothered to call me and explain the faux pas herself. She threw Lisa under the bus and made her to do the dirty work.

To be honest, I was beyond miffed. I was flat out offended. Did being married to a Lt. COL give anyone the right to act like a complete ass? As it turns out, it did. A week later I met Cecelia face to face at our first FRG meeting. She embraced me like a long lost sister and gushed about how pleased she was to meet me. Then with all the subtly of a staged public address, Cecelia pulled out a tiny pin in front of everyone.

“Now I normally only give this to my senior wives, but I want you to have one! It is our unit pin!” Any hope I had for a graceful apology was lost at that moment. To this day I don’t know how I managed not to hurl my cookies or hurl the pin back at her.

Cecelia became my nemesis and I fought her at every turn. Looking back, fighting her meant fighting the Army and everything I was learning to resent about it. Her husband may have been a Lt. COL but she was simply another woman to me. I hadn’t joined the Army and felt no need to bow down to her or anyone else. Some of our clashes were petty, some were epic and rooted in my taking a moral stance against how she treated people around her. Cecelia never did apologize for uninviting me to her home in the three years our husbands were stationed together. We continued to have numerous interactions, some good, some not so good, some outright hostile. To me, Cecelia was a walking caricature of Army wives past. She was doing her best to uphold her role in the Army. She believed with all her heart that her job was to lead the other wives, establish a pecking order and maintain Army traditions. The problem was as a grown, educated woman I felt no need to be led, be pecked apart or be socially segregated at events.

An interesting side note: I moved half way around the world thinking I would never have to deal with Cecelia again. As Mr. Murphy would have it, she would be stationed an hour away from us!! Now that we are no longer locked in a power struggle (different units), we get along quite well. :) You just never know with the Army!!!