The Difference Between Wanting and Ready

It's coming really close now, and we're wrapping up the last-minute things that occur before a long "away".  He has things he does around the house to make sure we're OK, and we have certain discussions that we always have before he goes.  It's not easy, but this is where "we've done this before" really helps.

I am not freaking out.

Ok, I am, but only inside and only a little bit.

One thing My G said last night really stuck with me, though, and it was something that my younger self needed to hear when we first got married, if I'd only known to ask. It's something that I think all "new" Army wives need to hear.

What he said: "Just because I am ready to go, doesn't mean I want to."

Sweet new Army wife, whether you're 20 or 40, these words are for you.
There is a huge difference between your Soldier (or Airman, or Seaman, or Marine) being ready to go on deployment, to school, to TDY, on an unaccompanied tour of any type - and wanting to leave you.

They are ready because they have trained, they have prepared, they are set to do what the country has asked of them or to fulfill the plan they've made for their career.

They are ready because they've done what they need to do in order to leave. They have orders in hand or their bags are packed or they've checked the handy checkboxes that their units have provided.

This does not mean they want to leave you.

Many servicemembers cry just as hard as their kids or their spouses when it is time to leave, but there are just as many who remain stoic. My G was one of the latter and he still is. This is his job, this is his career, and this is what he does. But it doesn't mean he wants to leave us.

Because we've been down this road so many times, we are able to joke a bit and make comments about "Good thing I won't be here" or "Whew, whole bed to myself!"  But that doesn't mean that we are eager for this separation. It doesn't mean that, if plans changed and he could turn right around and come back to us early, we wouldn't rejoice.

All it means is that he's ready.

In the grand scheme of things, "ready" is a good thing. I want him to have all the things he'll need while he's gone. I want for me to be ready, too, and have some plans and ideas for how to get through this time. "Ready" means that I have a Power of Attorney. "Ready" means that he has the training and the gear he needs to get the job done, whatever the job may be. "Ready" means that our girls know what is coming and we've spent some special time with them while we can. "Ready," in our case, means that we've had talks about budgets and house stuff and he's shown me how to program the sprinklers.

But I always remember that he'd really rather be here.

How We Do Christmas

It's Christmas Eve Eve and I am hearing a slow quiet rumble amid the roar of happy shoppers and people on break and everyone so happy for the season.

And the rumble says, "I am tired."

The rumble says, "I don't even have the tree up..."

The rumble whispers, so softly, "I have no Christmas spirit this year."

Some years, the Christmas spirit comes hard and fast and there is nothing but joy in the tree and the cookies and the gifts.  Some years, the list of to-do is the same but the heart is hurting or exhausted or just empty - and the list feels utterly insurmountable.

This year, for us, we are facing our first Christmas with the Big G away at school.  She has shoveled her front walk, finished her final exams, and is cozied up with some great books and hot cocoa and friends.

This year, we wait for my G to take a very long plane ride to a very long "away" and try to hang on by our fingernails to what joy we can, without thinking ahead to the pain.  But of course we can't quite do that as there are plans to make and our own lists to complete before he goes.  But we try.

So this is how we do Christmas during the stressful years, and this is what I would tell anyone whose heart is tired, whose list is too long, and who just isn't feeling it this year -

Do what you can.

Christmas trees and cookies and cards and festivals are wonderful, wondrous things.  But if they are sucking you dry in a season that should be delightful, then they don't have to be done.  Here's a novel thought - skip the tree.  Skip the cookies.  Skip whatever it is that you'd "like" to do but that you dread or just can't do right now.  If something else seems simpler and more "real" or even just more true to this moment right now - do that.

Go see the comedy that you've all been eyeing.

Order the deli tray and bakery cookies for Christmas Eve.

Ask your family if they really have to have the tree in order to feel the spirit - and if the answer is "yes" then tell them to get in the living room and get to work because the holiday is not about one person pulling the rest of the family together.

This is how we do Christmas...  We boil the holiday down to its most basic and most humble and simplest, joy-giving parts.  We do those.  The rest, we do next year or even the next after that when we have more energy and more time and more spirit.  We make our own way and our own holiday and we teach our girls to do the same.

Won't you join us?