My One Word, 2014

We are halfway through the first month of 2014, and I hadn't even begun making a LIST of words for "My One Word".  For the last few years, I've been following My One Word and choosing, well, one word to work on for the year. What does God have in store for me? What do I need to work on this year?

Previously, I've done "Focus," "Move," and "Up."

I always do a word picture, and then save it to my phone and on my computer so it reminds me of what I need to work on.

So, why "CHOOSE"?

This blog - You Don't Choose A Life, You Live One. I've been taking part in a blogging workshop (amazing...) and one of the participants posted her blog today. She talks a little bit about a job situation that is less than ideal, and about her husband and kids and...well, it really hit home.

I've been in an uncomfortable place, work-wise, for a while now. My G's trip to Korea has loomed over our heads for months. I've felt tired and down and angry and whiny and just generally pissy.

But I don't have to be.

This week, I chose to go to the gym straight from work. You know what? I was much more able to spend time with Little G and really enjoy being home.

This week, I chose to let a few things slide and to help Little G with her own transition to "just us girls". You know what? She pitched in a LOT without me even having to ask.

Today, I CHOSE to smile when I wanted to let off some steam. I walked away, thought it over, and then I CHOSE to come back and finish the discussion and stand up for myself. You know what? The situation wasn't magically better. Nothing really got "fixed". But standing up for myself felt really good and it let the other person know that I was going to hold her to a higher standard.

In the Army, we are given very few choices. As a Facebook status reminded me this week, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." Army families are really good at understanding this. We don't choose where we live, most of the time. We don't choose our bosses. Our Soldiers don't choose much of anything, and a lot of family members don't get to either. Sometimes we don't even choose basic things like vacations - we take our trips when our Soldiers can get leave, and that is left up to the needs (whims) of the Army.

But we can choose to be thankful for what we do have. We can choose to enjoy what we are given. We can choose to be glad for any moments of communication, rather than grumble because our communication is too brief.

I think there will be a lot of choice for me in 2014. I realize that the blog that inspired me, actually said that we are to live our lives, rather than choose them. But I believe that we live better lives when we choose our focus, when we choose to be thankful, when we choose our own outlook on whatever happens in the lives we lead.

I choose, I want to remember to choose, to light that candle instead of cursing the darkness.

Tuesday's Ten - When to Ask For Help

1. Yes, I did open my orange Crush with a wrench. I nearly asked a neighbor, but I decided I didn't want the soda that much. Plus I thought they might laugh at me but, seriously, the darn thing was stuck tight.

2. The bowl in the background was made by Little G in art class. It's a lovely, colorful, lightweight bowl made from papier mache. The flower painted inside it makes me smile.

3. I hit an emotional wall today, about a week into this thing. But it was a little bitty wall, and I stepped over it rather than tripping over or smashing into it. I consider that a "win".

4. I spent a good portion of my morning watching tiny children chase each other around my classroom while their mothers chatted, ignoring the children. This irritates me.

5. The children then gave me hugs before they left. This helps make it better.

6. I am thoroughly enjoying blogging again. It may be a huge saving grace this year.

7. During any extended "away," I am like that poor dog in "Up" - SQUIRREL!!. My thoughts jump around like drops of oil on a hot skillet.

8. All yesterday I thought it was Tuesday. I woke up thinking it was Wednesday. By Friday, I'll assume it's time for summer vacation.

9. It's getting late, but....

10. This Orange Crush tastes really good.

The Difference Between Wanting and Ready

It's coming really close now, and we're wrapping up the last-minute things that occur before a long "away".  He has things he does around the house to make sure we're OK, and we have certain discussions that we always have before he goes.  It's not easy, but this is where "we've done this before" really helps.

I am not freaking out.

Ok, I am, but only inside and only a little bit.

One thing My G said last night really stuck with me, though, and it was something that my younger self needed to hear when we first got married, if I'd only known to ask. It's something that I think all "new" Army wives need to hear.

What he said: "Just because I am ready to go, doesn't mean I want to."

Sweet new Army wife, whether you're 20 or 40, these words are for you.
There is a huge difference between your Soldier (or Airman, or Seaman, or Marine) being ready to go on deployment, to school, to TDY, on an unaccompanied tour of any type - and wanting to leave you.

They are ready because they have trained, they have prepared, they are set to do what the country has asked of them or to fulfill the plan they've made for their career.

They are ready because they've done what they need to do in order to leave. They have orders in hand or their bags are packed or they've checked the handy checkboxes that their units have provided.

This does not mean they want to leave you.

Many servicemembers cry just as hard as their kids or their spouses when it is time to leave, but there are just as many who remain stoic. My G was one of the latter and he still is. This is his job, this is his career, and this is what he does. But it doesn't mean he wants to leave us.

Because we've been down this road so many times, we are able to joke a bit and make comments about "Good thing I won't be here" or "Whew, whole bed to myself!"  But that doesn't mean that we are eager for this separation. It doesn't mean that, if plans changed and he could turn right around and come back to us early, we wouldn't rejoice.

All it means is that he's ready.

In the grand scheme of things, "ready" is a good thing. I want him to have all the things he'll need while he's gone. I want for me to be ready, too, and have some plans and ideas for how to get through this time. "Ready" means that I have a Power of Attorney. "Ready" means that he has the training and the gear he needs to get the job done, whatever the job may be. "Ready" means that our girls know what is coming and we've spent some special time with them while we can. "Ready," in our case, means that we've had talks about budgets and house stuff and he's shown me how to program the sprinklers.

But I always remember that he'd really rather be here.

What He Hasn't Missed

I think it's common knowledge by now that Soldiers miss a lot in their families' lives. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmases, school events... Politicians talk about the "empty chair at the table" like they've personally sat beside one of those empty chairs and know what they're talking about. (Note: some politicians do actually know how this feels, but I think I'm safe in saying that's a minority.)

Anyway, that's pretty common knowledge.

It's easy to sink into that blue feeling, looking ahead at 2014. It would be very easy to think about what he'll miss this time around, what things I will be alone for, what things the kids won't have their father close by for, etc. If I'm not careful, that line of thinking can become very depressing, very fast.

Yeah, it's true he'll miss a lot. And there's a lot I'll be doing solo. But that ignores a very important fact, one I told my best friend 20 years ago when she asked how I could handle him being gone so much: "I'd rather him in my life when he can be, than not have our life together at all."

I started a different line of thinking today, to help me focus on what is more important. What he hasn't missed, what he's been here for, and what matters most.

He's been here for me through two surgeries, one minor and one more serious. He took care of me after both.

He's been here to help get our yard totally landscaped. You'd never guess, looking at his work, what this house looked like the day we moved in. He's even set it up so I can plant one last rose bush once he's gone, because we just haven't found the right one yet. (Ask me about the hole in the ground.)

He's been here to see our oldest graduate from 8th grade and from high school.

He taught her how to drive.

He has seen her first apartment, and met her first after-high-school boyfriend.

He took care of everything (EVERYTHING) while I was away this summer, caring for my mother. And then he drove us 14 hours to go back there to help her move.

He saw our Little G finish elementary school.

He put up the tree this year, all by himself, so I would find it lit and gorgeous when I got home from work. All we had to do was hang ornaments.

He puts out Christmas lights, each year a little more elaborate, whenever he's home.

He helped choose and care for our first tree in this yard. (And decorated it with a few pitiful lights that first year.)

He's rescued kittens from our back yard.

He's taken care of pests in that same back yard (including wasps, for which I cannot thank him enough).

He's cleaned and cooked and cared in every possible way that a husband and father can - which is why, this year, I will not be focused on what he's missing. I'll be taking photos and sending him notes and helping him "not miss" it so much.

Our Soldiers sacrifice a hell of a lot for this country. The least I can do is keep my focus on what is right, instead of painful, about being married to this one.

Vignettes

It's that time again, and the bags are packed. His dress uniform hangs from our bedroom door, startling me anew each time I see it, because it looks like a soldier is standing guard. Other bags are already loaded into his car, ready for the long drive to school. Laundry's been done, his side of the sink is cleared, and he's ready.

We're watching one last football game together before he goes, and Little G comes out to say good night. She climbs into his lap for a snuggle, and they are so sweet together I cannot watch. They talk a bit, but I cannot hear them...it's okay. This is their time and it is not for me to hear what is said. This builds them both up for the absence that is to come.

It's dawn, and his side of the bed is empty a full hour before he had set the alarm. I know this dance well; he cannot sleep. I get up, and find he is cutting strawberries for us to share. One last breakfast of the type we've been enjoying these last few weeks between deployment and school. It is precious.The berries are delicious, but my throat is too dry to really enjoy them.

It is still dawn, and I tell him I will go back to sleep. One last kiss, one last view of him as he walks out the door. I don't sleep. Instead, I lay on his pillows and I type, praying for his safety and for time to fly. Then I stop, ashamed. I hate to wish for time to pass more quickly than it already does. There are too few hours in our lives as it is, and to wish them away is sacrilege. Still...I look forward to the moment he comes back in that door. And the bags are unpacked. And I hope Little G is not suddenly too big for a snuggle.

Is it too much to hope that these will still be around
when he's back?

Unpacking

My emotions are still kind of a jumble, several days later.  I may change the wording or meter of this one, but I think a lot of Army (or other service) wives who have been through a deployment or even some lengthy field times can identify with this.

Unpacking

It’s not just the gear that gets unpacked

From suitcases, boxes, duffels and rucks.

Not just helmets, uniforms, boots and supplies,

Nor dust-covered whatsits, doodads or "huh?"s.

Months of emotion, kept bottled inside

Released and freeflowing, examined and cleared.

Tears and laughter, solace and fear

A stew of sensations, a muddle of thoughts.

Pride and relief we see joyously poured,

Melancholy and angst unrepressed.

Excitement, fervor, desire’s no surprise,

Loneliness, aching, grief must vent too.

Just as our living room/office/garage jumble up,

And stuff’s sorted, turned in, salvaged or stored—

Victories, losses, successes and blows

Tallied, remembered, celebrated, grieved...

We must remember there is more to deployments than dust.

To Do versus Honey Do

Let me begin by saying that there must be some sort of Army rule.  Within weeks/days/"soon" of the Soldier coming home, someone must get sick.  At least this seems to be the rule in our house.  First deployment?  Our kitchen sink looked like a pharmacy, there were so many medications stacked around it.  Turns out, two of the kids had mono.  Whee.  This time, Little G is on meds for strep when I started feeling wiped out and exhausted...today the throat kicked in.  Yay.

So we are going a little slow.  And some things might not get done.  And I'm trying very hard not to get upset about that.

I'm also trying not to put things on My G's "Honey Do" list, that I can and should be able to get done myself.  I don't think it's fair for him to get home to a long list of stuff that needs to be done, especially if the odds are good that he'll only be with us for a short time.  He should have down time; he's had none at home for months.

Here are things I would love for him to do, but I hesitate to dump on him--

• Put the blankets back up in the closet in his special "linen Tetris"
• Re-hang the myriad weird tools that took a flying leap two months ago, narrowly     missing his car
• Move the couches so I can really do the floor 
• Help me trim the star jasmine which is getting out of control again
• Fix the mower (and the shed door, which has remained closed after it took two of us and half an hour to close it)

These are all things I'm sure he'd do willingly.  They are also things that I can probably figure out how to do this week before he's home, energy allowing.  This list is where my true frustration comes in, regarding illness.

Here is my usual "To Do" just before homecoming--

• Clean kitchen
• Vacuum entire house
• Clean linens everywhere
• Get my crap off his side of the sink...actually put some stuff away
• Make sure lawn is mowed (lawn guy comes tomorrow!)
• Make tea
• Take care of catboxes 

The problem with this list isn't that any of it is difficult.  It's that I want to make the house fresh and inviting when he's finally here.  And I have absolutely zero energy right now, plus three scheduled appointments and meetings next week, including a job interview.

So, here is a revised list for both of us:

• Give lots of hugs
• Talk, face-to-face
• Yeah, ok, nookie (well??)
• Someone else to come up with dinner ideas
• Bring back more laughter (we laugh more when he's home)
• Someone else to pet his cat
• Go for walks
• Be thankful

I think that last list is a whole lot more realistic and manageable.  The other things?  Some will get done, some won't.  And it will all be okay, as soon as he walks through that door.

The Rubber Room Resort

Sometimes life makes us a little crazy.  I would say "military life" except that this is the only life I've known as an adult.  I don't know any other way besides having him gone frequently, sometimes for long months at a time with only a brief respite in the middle.  I don't know any other health care program except Tricare, and I've never known a time when he could consistently make every parent-teacher meeting or concert.  I don't know any other form of "crazy," so I can't say if this is more or less nuts than what others deal with.

Such is our life.

Lately, though, change has been heaped upon us; our cup overflows with adjustments.  A child heads to college, my husband heads out for a temporary duty for two months-- Little G and I adjust to rattling around and occasionally bouncing off each other in a house built for four.  Husband comes back, time for a Christmas visit with a now-adult.  Husband deploys.  Child moves back home for the summer and so she can change school.

Thanks to Kelly for the phrase "Rubber Room Resort".
Photo from Cassy at Deviant Art.

Now it's time for the husband to come back home.  It will be four of us again.  Except, not quite.  Just as we get used to THAT, and have figured out the two-spouse, two-parent, one-kid and one-adult-child thing-- he will be off to school for several weeks.

Hence, the Rubber Room Resort.  I am in serious need of a break from this.  I'm not just riding a roller coaster, I'm changing cars in the middle of it and sometimes it seems I've even changed rides.

I'm not alone.

I have a sweet friend who recently said she was getting irritated with herself because she was an emotional mess.  She's getting very close to being able to hold her husband again, as he finishes Basic Training.  She is so new to this life, they both are, and I keep wanting to tell her-- go easy on yourself, hon.  She will face moving, job changes, life changes-- it's okay to let it out.

There is so much emotion, even for good things, when life changes. She's dedicated to her husband, to this new life of theirs, and she can't wait to be with him again.  But it is still going to be a huge adjustment, and she knows this.  It builds up over time and somehow it has to be released.  A good cry hurts no one.  The need to be alone, done responsibly, hurts no one.  

I read a pretty funny blogger, who recently wrote that she needs a vacation.  From her life.  She wrote that there have been some pretty big changes recently (doing a lot more writing, things got super-busy with work, she works from home and her kids are getting older but not quite independent)-- some simple time ALONE sounds pretty heavenly, yet not quite within her reach.  I was nodding my head, agreeing with her that I'd be going nuts in that situation, too-- until she said she was feeling guilty.

I think feeling guilty about needing a break, or about feeling an overflow of emotion, or for being human and asking for help-- I think it's a waste of time.  I can't and won't beat myself up for a dedicated five minutes to myself.  Or insisting on privacy.  If, in the course of the day, I hurt someone's feelings by being too abrupt or if something important gets forgotten-- I will apologize.  And I will try to do better.

There is just too precious little time to spend feeling guilty or kicking myself.  I have a house to clean and a homecoming outfit to buy.  And no time to spend at the Rubber Room Resort.

Tuesday's Ten: 20

Yesterday, we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.

Two decades have gone by since we said "I do".

It's a long time.

We were all the things we shouldn't have been.  Young.  Not fully independent; heck I still lived at home.  Unprepared.

But we were also many of the things that a couple should be:  Friends, similar in values, determined to learn about each other, accepting.  

That friendship thing goes a long way when you have a disagreement.

This week, we celebrate all the important stuff.  Twenty years of laughter, of support, of hugs, of shared joy, of shared pain.  It's pretty amazing.  Glenn's family has a long tradition of "keepers"-- his grandparents celebrated 61 years together before his Grandpa passed, and his parents have been married more than 45.  We've learned from the best.

What happens in 20 years?

1.  We've had 5 elections and are heading into number 6.

2.  We've had 3 Presidents.  We might get a fourth this fall.

3.  Oklahoma City, Columbine High School, and both World Trade Center attacks, as well as the attack on the Pentagon-- they all happened.

4.  Hurricanes Andrew, Katrina, Irene, Ike and more have all wreaked untold damage.

5.  Nearly 80 million babies were born in the US.  Two of those were ours.

6.  The US military has fought in Somalia, Bosnia/Kosovo, Afghanistan and Iraq.  (Those were the big newsmakers; we know other military members have been assigned elsewhere when it wasn't exactly peaceful.)

7.  We have lost pets, and gained new loves.

8.  We have moved 5 times, which for a military family is a pretty small number.

9.  Together, our children have attended 9 schools, not including after-school or day care/preschool programs.

10.  Three deployments, three years of recruiting, one tour in Korea and untold NTC/gunnery/STX/field trainings later-- Yeah, I'd still do it again.

20 Years, 20 Roses

You Are Always Here

You tell me how much you wish you could be with us, how it seems you can never be here when scary things happen and I must stand on my own.

But you are wrong, dear one.  You are always here.

When my pet was old and ill and quaking, and I had to let her go-- it was your arms I felt around me as I held her one final time.

When we rushed to the ER after Little G fell to the concrete with a concussion, it was your voice that steadied me.

When Big G's pet was failing, we both felt you with us.

During what Big G termed "a conga line of doctors" recently, it was your messages and voice that kept us going, helped us to remain hopeful.

We ate M&Ms with you in spirit, even if you weren't the one who poured them for us.

We celebrate good news and bad news with you at all times.  When you can't be here physically, it is harder-- but you are here.

You are always here.

When I make the drive home, I feel you in the seat beside me.  It is "our" music I listen to, and our jokes that the kids and I repeat.  It is your voice I hear in my head as we decide when to stop, and what is safe.

There are things that you would usually do, that are now my responsibility.  I try to do them as you would, or ask for help, so your presence is still felt and still strong.   When I am tired and the day is long and it is tempting to do a half-baked job, I remember how tired you must be, how your spirit aches-- and I finish the task.

I never want you to come back home and feel like you have to fix what I have done, or spend your precious time here making up for any time you feel you've lost.

I just want to see your smile, and feel your hug, and hear your laughter unsullied by the hesitation of phone lines.

Part of the Army life is knowing that hard times, and good times, will come.   Kids don't hold off on emergencies because of training or deployments; if anything, they seem more prone to disaster as soon as we receive those orders.  Concerts, parent-teacher meetings, graduations and school dances -- time is the truly unfailing Soldier, marching forward without pause.

But you are always with me.  The seat next to me at a concert may be empty, the teacher may not see you, but your strength and your love and your influence are always with me and always with our girls.  We have lived this life for 22 years now, and while sometimes I have felt lonely for your touch and your smile-- I am never alone.  I have learned to gather close our moments together so they are stored within me, the memories strong enough to hold me close when you cannot.  This can be a lonely life, true, but I don't want you to think that we do anything truly alone.

I want you here with me for all the big things, too.  Physically here, and holding our hands.  I am not so strong that I could really do this alone.  You are here, and you are supporting us, no matter where the Army tells you to lay your head.

You are always with me.

Stop Staring

Somewhere in the US, there is a Soldier who has lost both his legs.  He and his wife have been through absolute hell.  He is slowly, painfully, agonizingly learning to walk again, but mostly when you see him he will be in a wheelchair until he's healed enough to use his prosthetics.

Stop staring.  

Yes, he's missing his legs.  Yes, it was a tragedy.  It's probably something you haven't seen before, so it's natural for your eyes to look down and register.  Part of your brain might even be wondering "I wonder if he's a Soldier.  I wonder if it was an IED. I wonder what happened."

That's natural.  That's normal.

But STOP STARING.  

Once you look?  Once your brain registers that something has happened?  Look up again.  Make eye contact.  Say hello if it's appropriate, and if not-- just act respectful and let this man and his family go on with their lives.  They are in the grocery store, at the airport, at an amusement park and they are trying to get back to being a family again.  Leave them be.  Don't make them feel any more self-conscious or out of sorts than they already do.

Don't stare.  

Somewhere in the US, a spouse wrote the following--

"I wish people would stop staring at (him). We went to Sea World yesterday and I was walking right beside him and I noticed many many people look at (him) and then immediately stare at his legs. There were quite a few people who were not even trying to hide that they were staring at him, doing the whole head turn and even two people that turned around to stare after we passed them. I wanted to rip their heads off. And I know it really bugged him a lot and another reason why he prefers to not be in big crowds :("

Isn't it enough that he is fighting so hard to heal and they are trying so hard to be a family again?  

So don't stare.  Make eye contact.  Smile, if appropriate.  Open a door if that's needed.  But leave them alone.  And tonight, when you're home again-- say a prayer of healing for him and his family.  And a prayer of thanks for the sacrifice they've made.

And Then There Came Hope

My last post, The Real Cost of War, fortunately doesn't tell the whole story.  I'm a glass-half-full kind of girl, and even in the midst of tremendous grief I try to find a rainbow.  I've heard this described as "hunting the good stuff" and I like that analogy.  Sometimes you have to be a regular CSI and use a microscope to find it, but the good stuff will be there.

So here are some signs of hope--

Resilience-- There are some who, with help, really do come back.  My friend's brother-in-law, who first told me about PTSD?  He is one of these.  He spent years with the Paralyzed Vets of America, helping other vets like himself find answers and hope.

Inspiration to Others-- Our friend, Staff Sgt Joe Beimfohr, was a recruiter when we met him.  In 2009, he was gravely wounded in Iraq.  Ulimately, his wounds left him a double amputee, but his story does not end there in the hospital room.  Failure is Not an Option-- This link is another one that I found but I especially like it because it shows other stories from the veterans themselves.  This sums it up bit by bit.

Helping the Youngest-- Programs that help children cope with deployment and feel better equipped to handle their Soldier's absence can be helpful, and fun, ways to make sure we don't forget how deployments can affect them as well.   Video from last year's Mock Deployment shows the attention to detail in this program.  There are also special camps available for children who have recently dealt with a deployment.

So there is hope.  Always, there is hope.

Five Question Friday-- Me, Myself, and I

Well, it's Friday, and I always try to have a military spouse/veteran's spouse/retiree's spouse check in.


But I didn't have any new answers for my questions.  I've tried, but I know people are busy and maybe they're tired of this idea.  I don't know.  The Internet goes fast.


But I thought I'd do at LEAST one more-- and answer the questions myself.

1. What are five things you know now about military life that you wish someone had told you?

 Everyone was right about what Army life would be like. 

    Everyone was also wrong.  

    My Army family can sometimes be more important, or at least more understanding of what I’m going through, than my “family”.  

    I never realized how strong I can be.  

    And I wish someone had told me how precious each of these days is.  Even the first little crappy place we lived, in memory, is a mansion because that's where we started out.

  2. What is the most important thing you'd like to tell new  spouses? 

       GET INVOLVED.  Not necessarily on post (although that is good and can be a lifesaver), but getting involved in something outside yourself, outside your Soldier, and outside your little family can be absolutely crucial when he is in the field or training or (especially), deployed.

   3.   What do you love the most?


    I love that I “get it”—I love that the Army terms, routines, rituals, rites, and the whole patriotic mess mean more to me because I understand it and I have been blessed to live it. 

   4. What do you find the hardest?


    The sheer unpredictability of the military makes me absolutely nuts sometimes.  Joy and grief and maybes and probably-won't's and the dreaded "should"...this roller coaster is not for the faint of heart.

   5.   A story:  


    We got married in between my classes ending and finals beginning, during “dead day” at the University of Arizona.  We had two days together as a little honeymoon, and he flew back to Kansas on Mother’s Day.  I began finals the day after.  During the regular semester, I had one name.  For finals, I had another.  It would be nearly two full months before we’d see each other again, after he had finished NTC and found us a home.  I learned to drive, packed up my life, and copied down all of his mother’s recipes.  J  This all seems so old-fashioned to me now, but something tells me spouses still get married like this sometimes and will have their own “on their own” stories to tell.  




   I'd really love to hear from you.  What story do you have to share about just starting military life?  Or life in general?  Leave me a comment.  Or two.  :)

Five Questions-- Let Me Introduce You

My friend Maggie doesn't know this, but there was a time when her friendship kept me from going over a pretty dark cliff.  She, and others, helped me realize that the issue at hand wasn't something I could change or fix, and that I was still strong and worthy and "okay".  

I worked with her husband and I remember when their family came to the unit-- it was like a light had gone on in a room that hadn't seemed dark.  Their precious little boys, their love for those precious little boys, and their love for each other made the rest of the world brighter.

So here you go-- I'm glad you get to meet my friend Maggie.

1. What are five things you know now about military life that you wish someone had told you?

Sometimes things happen for a reason and God’s ways are not our ways and sometimes He uses Uncle Sugar’s employees to demonstrate that.

Sometimes there is no good reason for the way things happen with the military and you’ll be a lot happier if you just go with the flow.

Don’t fret too much about the friends you will be leaving at one duty station because chances are you’ll meet up again at another duty station. A lot of times goodbye is just for a little bit. 

Be FLEXIBLE!!! Getting wrapped around the axle about something you and your spouse are powerless to change is a total waste of energy.

Although it will be hard, sad, lonely etc., it will also be the BEST time of your life.

2. What is the most important thing you'd like to tell new spouses? 

Do yourself a favor and keep busy with something positive. Get an education, volunteer, engage in healthy hobbies, and surround yourself with others who are like-minded. There is plenty of opportunity to wallow in misery and fall in with bad company. Just don’t!!

3. What do you love the most? 

The opportunity to meet new people at every duty station; variety is the spice of life right? I have had the privilege of meeting some of the most amazing people ever, thanks to military life.

4. What do you find the hardest?

Military funerals, even if the deceased was someone you only new causally or by association. Not a single day passes by that I don’t think of our dear friends that paid the ultimate price for freedom.

5. Tell me a story that sums up military life for you. 

I went to my first duty station absolutely bitter because I was not going where I wanted to go and I was not going to be doing the job that I wanted to be doing either. The only bright spot or so it seemed at the time was that a friend from basic training was already there. (We’re still friends to this very day.) 

I got to my first unit and discovered that it wasn’t so bad after all. I made friends quickly AND I enjoyed the job after all!! My boss, to whom I shall be forever grateful, introduced me to my wonderful husband. If that wasn’t good enough, I got the kind of friends that last a life time and I keep making more with every new duty station.

Five Questions: Boundary Keeper

My friend Dee Squared is another lady I've met via the joys of the internet. Whenever someone needs a prayer, or a kind word, Dee is there. She strongly advises that people keep proper emotional boundaries so that they don't get sucked into other people's drama, and she often recommends the book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend. Many military spouses have benefited from this advice, whether they've read the book or not.

Thank you, Dee, for taking the time to answer. :)



1. What are five things you know now about military life that you wish someone had told you?

A - A good attitude can go a long way in any situation. Is the glass half-full, or is it half-empty?

B - You have to be really flexible sometimes - Semper Gumby! If your hubby calls you in the middle of the day unexpectedly, be prepared for, "Honey, have you ever heard of XYZ Base? There's a slot open there that I might be sent to fill." Ask me how I know.

C - Your closest friends may be people you've never met in person, but perhaps if you're REALLY lucky, you may be able to get together once or twice in this crazy life we live. LOL!

D - Never be afraid to ask questions, and don't stop until you're satisfied you know what you need to know. And don't think you know everything there is to know about military life. Things are always changing, and what might be policy 10 years ago may no longer be so now.

E - Stay out of your husband's work issues. You wouldn't want him dealing with your work issues, so afford him the same respect. This does not mean, however, that you can't be there to listen to him and offer advice. Just don't be too quick to run down to his office to fight his battles for him, no matter how tempted you may be. I've learned to ask, "Do you want advice, or do you just need to vent?"

2. What is the most important thing you'd like to tell new spouses?

Arm yourself with the knowledge about the military. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Seek out a long-time military wife and learn from her.

3. What do you love the most?

I've loved the opportunity to experience various parts of the world that I probably would never have thought of going to if I'd not been in/involved with the military.

4. What do you find the hardest?

Saying good-bye to friends (for PCS) and to my husband (for deployments).

5. Tell me a story that sums up military life for you.

When my oldest was in preschool, there was an event at her school where family/friends were invited to attend. I was making conversation and asked another student's grandmother, "So, how long are you in town for?" The answer: "We live down the street from him (the student)." LOL! I'm so used to our nomadic lifestyle that I just automatically assume grandparents live far away.

Five Questions: Army Sister

My friend Najia is the one I wrote about in "Sisters of Another Sort" She is super-independent, super passionate, and she blew me away when she offered to stand in for a spouse whose Soldier had been seriously wounded in combat. It seems like such a simple thing-- he was in Germany and needed someone by his side for a little bit. The spouse was in the US and couldn't be there to actually lay eyes on her husband. Najia was in Germany-- of course she went.

When Najia comes back to the States, I hope she will resume her career as a teacher. More kids need her dedication, passion, and intelligent look at life. I will admit that she and I don't always agree on how to approach things or even on certain subjects-- but she always makes me think. And that's something I really value in a friend.

So here are Najia's Five:

1. What are five things you know now about military life that you wish someone had told you?

* You can't beat the system. Yes, the system is stupid, broken, flawed, and at times corrupt yet you will NOT win by jousting at its ACU covered windmills. Learn to work it, learn to navigate it...but don't waste your time trying to fix it.

* All stereotypes about enlisted and officers including their spouses and children have a grain of truth to them. Don't look for the hallmarks of what "they" are like but don't be shocked when you find them, either. That being said, make friends across the great rank divide. Do NOT think you must only befriend enlisted if your spouse is an E or officier if your spouse is an O. The Army is much too small to paint yourself into that corner!

* It is easy to lose yourself in the Army. Your career very well may take a back seat simply because of the nature of the beast. My own career fell to crap due to our constant moving and it was (and still is) incredibly difficult for me. So if you have a career make it a portable one and even then, make sure you do not gauge your own self worth based on your career or income.

* Nobody cares how smart, driven, capable, or trainable your Soldier is. They simply will not promote until it fits the needs of the Army and in some cases, a Soldier's career can stall for years. It sucks and there is no way around it so you help your Soldier hold his/her head up! Be a team and a cheerleader at the same time.

* Walmart can be cheaper than the commissary. ;)


2. What is the most important thing you'd like to tell new spouses?

Listen to older, wiser, more jaded Army wives than you. It is easy to blow them off and think their experiences will not be YOUR experiences. Lord knows I did. And now? Now I am one of the older, wiser, more jaded who just shakes their head at the newbies who won't listen. That's OK though. They will learn soon enough. LOL!


3. What do you love the most?

Odd bouts of pride! There are times when all of a sudden I am head-over-heels in love with being an Army wife. I will walk down the street and see a Soldier carrying a baby while in his ACUs. I will see a wounded warrior I have never met in my life and am inexplicably flooded with love and gratitude. Bizarrely enough, when a civilian bashes the Army I leap to its defense. (Not to say my fellow Army wives and I won't tear it to shreds...but we can! We have earned it! They, in my oh-so-humble-opinion have not).


4. What do you find the hardest?

I think keeping the "what if's" at bay. Being a Solider is not an easy career. Lives are lost. In the back of our minds and in the bottom of our hearts, we ALL KNOW it could happen to our Soldiers. My son has sat in the classroom and been told that his friend's father was killed in Iraq. How do you convince a heartbroken and terrified child that HIS father is safe? How do you lie to him and explain that could/would not ever happen to his father because of x,y,z? Better yet, how do you lie to yourself?

I think it is normal to allow our minds to drift to the dark side, to imagine what it would be like to get "the call" or see a chaplin walk up to your doorstep. By imagining the horror, we somehow believe we are preparing ourselves for the worst...and perhaps we are. But you cannot live there. Life is far too short and much too precious to waste worrying about the "what if's". When I have induldged those morbid fantasies, they interfered with my ability to give love as freely and receive as fully as we each deserve. I have learned to push that acrid taste of fear back into my belly when it creeps up...you would be wise to learn to do the same.


5. Tell me a story that sums up military life for you:

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, OK. Here we go...

We hadn’t been at Fort Campbell for more than a week before my husband started dropping hints. “I met with my captain and told her all about you, she would really like to meet you sometime.” “I bet you would do great if you had been in the Army, you should really meet my captain.” Being new to the Army world, I didn’t recognize this butter-up job for what it was…my husband was being wooed by his NCOs at the prospect of snagging his wife as a volunteer. Not just any volunteer either; his captain was receiving pressure from her higher ups to find an FRG leader. (Cue sinister music here.)

Being a brand spanking new Army wife, I had joined a number of online support groups to learn about this foreign career that I apparently signed up for when my husband took the oath to support and defend our country. I had heard all the rumors from those who had gone before me. FRGs (Family Readiness Groups) were a boiler of politics. Enlisted wives and officer wives clashed the way women clashed best…psychologically, all the while smiling. Backstabbing was the norm. I was warned the gossip rumor mill thrived in FRG meetings and my personal home life would be a matter of public record (and debate). It seemed every active duty wife had a horror story, every girlfriend had attempted to join only to be excluded, and every retiree’s wife was grateful to be out of the “support group”.

Frankly, I thought these women had issues. I mean, really? I was a professional educator. I was a woman who was used to handling 120 students a day, navigating the political arena of staff meetings, and managed to tactfully maintain my bearings when dealing with belligerent parents. As far as I was concerned, those complaining about FRGs and sharing those stories were doing the very thing they condemned: gossiping and creating drama. I recalled being pregnant and having every woman I met try to outdo the other with a bigger, more dramatic labor story. The FRG horror stories seemed awfully similar. I mentally filed their stories away as the sour grapes of bitter women. Their narrow experiences would not be mine.

Additionally, I had been told that as a wife of a specialist I would hold a rather low place on the Battalion totem pole. Enlisted were not to fraternize with Officers, likewise enlisted wives were not to hang out with officer wives. Like it or not, those women had access to your husband’s boss and office politics could be determined in the comfort of their living rooms. The stereotype was that enlisted wives were young, uneducated, and “breeders” (read: tons of children) and unappreciated by their older, higher educated “O” wife peers. The stereotype made me uncomfortable. Mostly because I knew that wasn’t me and set out immediately to dispel the myth.

The wooing continued and my husband came home with the captain’s phone number for me to call to “welcome me” to Fort Campbell. My husband had been advised by other soldiers that my being active in the FRG would only be a good thing. It would reflect positively on him and his career. Looking back, I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me at the time to ask why they didn’t have their wives accept the FRG leader position and reflect positively on their careers. I was too busy imagining having BBQs and hanging out with untouchable officer set I kept hearing about. In my mind, I was one of them. High speed. Educated. Mature. I knew I would fit in beautifully. That and let’s face it, with the upcoming deployment it wouldn’t hurt to be in ‘on the know’ for breaking news and information. I was nosy like that.

A couple of phone calls later, I found myself sitting across from my husband’s captain at Starbucks. Captain Lisa O’Malley was not your stereotypical officer….at least not by what I had been told to expect. She was in her mid-twenties, had blond hair, blue eyes, a perky nose and an infectious personality. She was girly with an edge and had a wicked sense of humor. She talked about her time at West Point and how, despite her qualifications, she constantly had to prove herself to the “boys club”. I liked her immediately. She had brought along her XO’s spouse to introduce me to as well. Kate was in her early 30’s, with a tiny and petite hard body. She had a loud laugh and welcoming smile. Unfortunately, she also had a 4 year old in tow who was tearing Starbucks apart brick by brick.

“We are going to get along so great! That is very important…there needs to be good communication between the FRG leader and the Commander,” Cpt. O’Malley gushed. “We will need to get this rolling soon. We haven’t had an FRG for the past year and the families really need to be brought together before the deployment.”
I sipped my latte as Kate’s son catapulted over the sofa for the 10th time. “You are going to love everyone! We are not the typical officers’ wives. We drink, cuss, burp…” Kate laughed. I was pretty sure every woman I ever met had drank, cussed, and burped so I wasn't sure what to do with that little gem of information but I was grateful for the extended friendship.

“Kate, aren’t the wives getting together soon for coffee?” Cpt. O’Malley asked. “You should go. It would be the perfect time to meet folks and start recruiting volunteers. THESE are the women who are going to help you. They are fantastic.”

“Yes, next week actually.” Kate’s friendly smile shifted slightly at the thought. I didn’t get a chance to process the change of expression as her son shot between us, knocking over magazines on a table.

“Great! I would love to come” I answered while picking up magazines watching the hellion dart the other direction.

“Sweet! I will pass your number onto the Lt. Col’s wife, Cecelia and she can give you directions to her house” Cpt. O’Malley responded.

Soon enough the meeting was over. O’Malley had to get back to the shop, Kate had to take her demon spawn home for a nap, and I had to figure out what the hell an officers’ wives coffee entailed. I found my answer in a marvelous little book called “The New Armywives Handbook”. Later that evening, as I soaked in the tub, I scanned through the chapters.

“Ken! Listen to this” I called to my husband. ((((insert quote))) Are they serious? This is like some crap my grandmother had to navigate back in the 50’s. “My husband wandered into the bathroom and gave me a blank look. The idea of wives having a proper way to drink coffee, enter a room, or greet other wives was beyond his realm of experience. It sounded just as ludicrous to him.

“Don’t worry about it, babe. I can’t imagine they really expect that of anyone anymore.” Huh. The book was nice waste of $29.95 as far as I was concerned. I let the book flop shut as I tossed it on the floor next to the tub. And with the sound of that satisfying thud, I didn’t give Army etiquette a second though.

The day of the coffee I stood in front of my closet preparing to dress. For a brief moment, the haunting words of The Armywives Handbook flashed through my mind. “(((insert quote about clothing)))” A quick snort of disgust brought me back to reality. “Ridiculous” I muttered to myself. I settled on a pair of khaki capris and summer top. A quick glance at the clock revealed I had 30 minutes to get wherever I was going. Where was I going? Cecelia never did call with the directions to her home. It was just a mix-up of communication to be sure. I was suddenly reassured this woman was as busy as I was and dropped the ball every now and then. Not being one to get overly excited about miscommunication, I just called CPT O’Malley.

“Hey Lisa? I was wondering if I could get directions to Cecelia’s house from you? I am supposed to be there in 30 minutes but have no idea she lives.”

“Sure. Um. I don’t know where she lives either…let me give her a call and have her call you real quick.”

“Thanks girl!” I ran around my home gathering my “to go” kit. Cell phone? Check. Car keys? Check. Dogs outside in the backyard? Check. Five minutes passed, then ten. Fifteen minutes after I spoke with Lisa the phone finally rang.

“Hello?”
“Najia? It’s Lisa. Hey, um…I feel horrible. I don’t know what to say…”
“What’s wrong, Lisa? Are you OK?”
“Yah, I’m fine. I mean…(deep breath)…Cecelia wanted me to tell you that you can’t come to the coffee. I guess she only allows Officers’ wives to attend and well, your husband is a Specialist…” Lisa’s voice trailed off. “I am just so embarrassed, I feel terrible. Najia?”
“I’m here. Sure. It is okay. I understand. I am sure I will get a chance to meet everyone later.”

After a couple more minutes of awkward chit-chat, Lisa let me go and I sat on my sofa stunned. I had just been officially slighted, banned from my first social event because of my husband’s rank. Cecelia couldn’t even be bothered to call me and explain the faux pas herself. She threw Lisa under the bus and made her to do the dirty work.

To be honest, I was beyond miffed. I was flat out offended. Did being married to a Lt. COL give anyone the right to act like a complete ass? As it turns out, it did. A week later I met Cecelia face to face at our first FRG meeting. She embraced me like a long lost sister and gushed about how pleased she was to meet me. Then with all the subtly of a staged public address, Cecelia pulled out a tiny pin in front of everyone.

“Now I normally only give this to my senior wives, but I want you to have one! It is our unit pin!” Any hope I had for a graceful apology was lost at that moment. To this day I don’t know how I managed not to hurl my cookies or hurl the pin back at her.

Cecelia became my nemesis and I fought her at every turn. Looking back, fighting her meant fighting the Army and everything I was learning to resent about it. Her husband may have been a Lt. COL but she was simply another woman to me. I hadn’t joined the Army and felt no need to bow down to her or anyone else. Some of our clashes were petty, some were epic and rooted in my taking a moral stance against how she treated people around her. Cecelia never did apologize for uninviting me to her home in the three years our husbands were stationed together. We continued to have numerous interactions, some good, some not so good, some outright hostile. To me, Cecelia was a walking caricature of Army wives past. She was doing her best to uphold her role in the Army. She believed with all her heart that her job was to lead the other wives, establish a pecking order and maintain Army traditions. The problem was as a grown, educated woman I felt no need to be led, be pecked apart or be socially segregated at events.

An interesting side note: I moved half way around the world thinking I would never have to deal with Cecelia again. As Mr. Murphy would have it, she would be stationed an hour away from us!! Now that we are no longer locked in a power struggle (different units), we get along quite well. :) You just never know with the Army!!!

Five Questions-- New Friend :)

Modern Army life is so different from anything our mothers or grandmothers got to experience. We can meet and learn from each other before we ever move to a new duty station, and suddenly this "new place" isn't so scary. I am so grateful for the chance to know, support, and learn from fellow Army spouses.

Jarita is just that type of new friend. We met on an Army Wives forum, and then when Facebook exploded we "friended" each other. Now she and her husband have PCSed close by, and I am so excited. I feel like I already know her. Even though virtual personalities are sometimes different from the way people seem online, their words and advice and attitudes still shine out through their posts and comments-- I can't wait to really meet her face to face.

Here are Jarita's Five:

1. What are five things you know now about military life that you wish someone had told you.

* Learn how to hook up a washer and dryer. Better yet, know how each tool in your husband's tool box works. Eventually it'll be YOUR tool box. You'll fix a lot while he is gone.

* Learn as many military acronyms as you can. At first it sounds like some secret code that everyone knows but you. Before long you'll be fluent. You'll see you will slip these every day acronyms into your daily conversations especially in your phone calls home.

* As soon as you unpack the last box in your garage two years after being at a certain duty station most likely your husband will bring home orders to PCS again.

* Learn your husband's rank, unit, commanding officer, or anything else that pertains to his job. That way when someone asks you what your husband does you'll be able to answer and not stare at them hoping the information will magically appear on their forehead. This happened to me when I first got married.

* You'll hear rumors that FRGs are drama-filled military wife gossip groups. This isn't always true though I have seen it in the past. Go in with an open mind and after a few meetings you'll know if it's right for you or not. You don't have to be active in an FRG to be a part of it either. Just make sure they have your information so you can be contacted with news, events, and information.

2. What is the most important thing you'd like to tell new spouses?

* Be independent. Military Spouse Life will be much harder if you are not. Build a life outside of your husband. If you don't you'll be lost when he is gone. Never be too proud to ask for help but be prepared to do most of it alone. Know that you have that strength in you.


3. What do you love the most?

* The opportunities to see different parts of the world and meeting new people.


4. What do you find the hardest?

* Starting over at a new duty station. Making new friends. Being the new wife on the block. I just remember to have an open mind.


5. Tell me a story that sums up military life for you.

* I have been an Army Wife for almost six years. In those six years I have had nine different addresses (that doesn't include months in furnished apartments or times in hotels). I have stood by my husband for two deployments and one full year in schooling for him to become a CA Operator. I've logged 13,500 miles of driving for three different moves from one side of the country to the other. I have had two children who have lived and moved from more places than any one we know back home.

It sounds like we lead a crazy life but it isn't. I am not crazy about the moving process but I love to move. I treat this life like an adventure. It's exciting and it feeds that adventurous spirit inside of me.

I do it because I support my husband and because I love him. There are times I get angry with how the Army does things or I get upset and miss home. It happens to all of us at times. I just take a big deep breath and remember that some things I can't control. I just take care of things I can.

I have watched my husband go from a private as a combat engineer to a staff sergeant as a civil affairs operator. I am incredibly proud of all he accomplished but I am even more proud of what I have accomplished. I have learned how to hook up a washer and dryer, I can unpack a house completely in a week (with a newborn and preschooler by my side while my husband is away for training), I have coordinated moves and moved our entire house while my husband was deployed, I can handle most anything without him, and of course I know how to use every tool in MY tool bag. I even have my own drill. I can't wait to see what we both accomplish in the next 13,000 miles!



Thank you, Jarita. Can't wait to meet for coffee or walks or... :)