New Life Rules

Time to write again, as there is another long "away" in our future. Between some work stress and some major life changes, it's a good time to reflect on what I want life to mean to me and what I expect from myself going forward.

This list is not conclusive and it's certainly going to need some additions, but it's what's been in my heart.

• It's ok to ask for help when I need it.
• Pray without ceasing.
• If my heart is feeling sore, I need to state the truth, at least to myself.
• Telling myself to "buck up" is not helpful.
• Reaching outside my comfort zone, however, can be a good thing.
• Even when things are dark, if I am simply trying to do the right thing and reflect God and goodness in my life, it does not go unnoticed.  I don't always hear about it, but it is not unnoticed.

Most importantly:

• If I wouldn't give certain "advice" to a girlfriend, why do I think it's OK to give it to myself?
• I matter.

Ultimately, the year ahead will have dark and light and strength and weakness - there will be times of sorrow and times of great joy.  I'm fortunate that this is just an "away" and not an "away and in danger".  I have a dear friend who has told me to take this year, search inside for the person I want to be and the future I want to share with my G, and build the foundation we'll need.  She, as always, has good advice.

Join me?

Welcome, 2013

A year ago, I sat down and wrote down all of the momentous events that I could remember from the year past, and then described what was coming up for 2012.

I don't want to do that this year.  2012 was momentous, surely, and I am curious what 2013 will bring-- but does it really need listing?

My G is home, safely.  Both girls are becoming amazing young women in their own right.   I have a new job that challenges and uplifts me, with coworkers who are making a difference every day. There is much hope and joy and love on the horizon.

What more could I ask for?

So this is my wish for 2013.  That I learn from my mistakes.  That I embrace joy, that I find the good where good is hard to find, that I make changes when they are called for and accept that which cannot be changed.

I'm learning that I cannot change others.  I can only act in a way that makes sense to me, forging my own road and praying those I love the most will continue to come along with me.  My G is a pretty good travel partner, and I am so glad we have been on this journey together.

Mostly, though, I want to enter 2013 with a thankful and resolute heart.  There have been some struggles inside me over this year, and I am making some choices that will hopefully bring about lasting change.

Four things I am starting or continuing for this year are My One Word, Lumosity, Plan to Eat, and You Need a Budget.  Past One Words were Focus and Move...this year may be UP-- this gives a focus for my spirit and betterment.  Lumosity helps me stay sharp and is just challenging enough without making me scream.  Plan to Eat will help us all do better with our diet,  You Need a Budget has software and a financial methodology that has literally changed our lives this year.  There are other things I'll be doing, but these show four walls to the year we want to build.

May God bless you and keep you, may our nation stay strong, may our lives and that of our children stay blessed and happy and safe.  Welcome, 2013.

The Rubber Room Resort

Sometimes life makes us a little crazy.  I would say "military life" except that this is the only life I've known as an adult.  I don't know any other way besides having him gone frequently, sometimes for long months at a time with only a brief respite in the middle.  I don't know any other health care program except Tricare, and I've never known a time when he could consistently make every parent-teacher meeting or concert.  I don't know any other form of "crazy," so I can't say if this is more or less nuts than what others deal with.

Such is our life.

Lately, though, change has been heaped upon us; our cup overflows with adjustments.  A child heads to college, my husband heads out for a temporary duty for two months-- Little G and I adjust to rattling around and occasionally bouncing off each other in a house built for four.  Husband comes back, time for a Christmas visit with a now-adult.  Husband deploys.  Child moves back home for the summer and so she can change school.

Thanks to Kelly for the phrase "Rubber Room Resort".
Photo from Cassy at Deviant Art.

Now it's time for the husband to come back home.  It will be four of us again.  Except, not quite.  Just as we get used to THAT, and have figured out the two-spouse, two-parent, one-kid and one-adult-child thing-- he will be off to school for several weeks.

Hence, the Rubber Room Resort.  I am in serious need of a break from this.  I'm not just riding a roller coaster, I'm changing cars in the middle of it and sometimes it seems I've even changed rides.

I'm not alone.

I have a sweet friend who recently said she was getting irritated with herself because she was an emotional mess.  She's getting very close to being able to hold her husband again, as he finishes Basic Training.  She is so new to this life, they both are, and I keep wanting to tell her-- go easy on yourself, hon.  She will face moving, job changes, life changes-- it's okay to let it out.

There is so much emotion, even for good things, when life changes. She's dedicated to her husband, to this new life of theirs, and she can't wait to be with him again.  But it is still going to be a huge adjustment, and she knows this.  It builds up over time and somehow it has to be released.  A good cry hurts no one.  The need to be alone, done responsibly, hurts no one.  

I read a pretty funny blogger, who recently wrote that she needs a vacation.  From her life.  She wrote that there have been some pretty big changes recently (doing a lot more writing, things got super-busy with work, she works from home and her kids are getting older but not quite independent)-- some simple time ALONE sounds pretty heavenly, yet not quite within her reach.  I was nodding my head, agreeing with her that I'd be going nuts in that situation, too-- until she said she was feeling guilty.

I think feeling guilty about needing a break, or about feeling an overflow of emotion, or for being human and asking for help-- I think it's a waste of time.  I can't and won't beat myself up for a dedicated five minutes to myself.  Or insisting on privacy.  If, in the course of the day, I hurt someone's feelings by being too abrupt or if something important gets forgotten-- I will apologize.  And I will try to do better.

There is just too precious little time to spend feeling guilty or kicking myself.  I have a house to clean and a homecoming outfit to buy.  And no time to spend at the Rubber Room Resort.

Before and After

I used to think that hardships came with a definite before and after.  One minute, you're living your life one way and everything seems normal and routine.  The next, life is altered irretrievably and nothing is the same.

The doctor says the worst.

The car comes out of nowhere.

The storm rages.

We are thanked by a grateful nation.

But I've come to understand that it's not always like that.  There is no dividing line or dramatic chapter close, no small voice saying, "This is the moment everything changed".  No switch gets flipped from before, to after.

In reality, it's more like taking a bath than jumping into a pool.  The water runs, and we step in, little by little, until eventually we are fully submerged.  There are steps, and signs, and small adjustments we make before the end result is there.

The pain lasts for weeks.

The memory is less and less reliable.

The arguments grow in number and intensity.

The Soldier's gear is packed.

I've been thinking about these things lately because we've had some recent moments where I have wondered, "Is this it? Is this when it changes?"   I imagine almost everyone has had times like these.  Whether it's waiting with someone for a bus or an airplane ride, or waiting for the doctor examination to be finished, we hold our breath just a moment.  Is this where we draw that line?

Since I was a child, I've always had the sense that life can change with little notice.  One day, I was pretty oblivious and mostly happy; the next I was told that one of my parents no longer loved the other.  For me, in that moment, there was a definite before and after.  When you're a kid, you don't see all of the smaller things that lead up to the big decision, so it seems like it's just a sudden channel change.  Perhaps because of that, I often find myself holding my breath, just a little, waiting for big changes.

I'm older now, of course, and I know that most change in life is gradual.  Most "big events" have smaller precursors that clue us in that something will change, and soon.  We are, thank God, given the opportunity to prepare and pray and focus.

And still...   I know life changes quickly sometimes.  

What moments have you had, where you wondered "Is this it?"  I know some of my friends have had diagnoses they didn't want to hear, or letters they didn't want to receive, or other huge life-changing moments.  Some of these changes are good ones, and some of them are scary or even the worst news we could imagine.  What are yours?

So tell me-- Does life turn on one of these?