Big Kid off to college? Baby girl really growing up? Husband closer to retiring after 20 years of Army family life? So many changes. I choose to dive in, rather than let it overwhelm me. (Photo Courtesy of Amanda Kim Stairrett and 1st Infantry Division.)
My G is finally home. I truly have no idea how we made it through 15 months last time, while "only" 6 months this time seemed to be crippling and painful. Is it because we thought this would be the last one, but due to some changes he'll be in for longer so who knows what the Army might plan? Is it because of some health issues on both sides, or other things?
I have no idea. I'm just glad it's over for us, and we can regroup until the next thing.
There are so many other spouses having homecomings right now, and so many more who are at this moment saying farewell to their service member. This is not an easy life that we chose, and while it's not one that I would change I will admit it takes more out of me on some days than I am willing to give.
And then he's home. And teasing the girls. And (thank God) tackling the backyard project that had me flummoxed and cussing. And just here, close enough to touch.
It is unspeakably sweet.
So, tonight, if you're with someone who means the world to you, do this one small thing: Give thanks. Let them know how much you appreciate their nearness. Give them a hug, just to feel the sensation of your arms around them and their breath in your ear. Breathe deep, hold on tight, and give thanks.
This deployment is so close to being done with that we are all just waiting for updates and news and itineraries. That's a very good place to be, when it comes to deployments, so why am I not giddy with joy?
Something that very seldom gets mentioned, among the "Coming Home" episodes and news clips of sobbing little girls surprised by Daddy Soldiers, is that the week before they get home and the week after they are actually home can be among the roughest in the entire deployment. These days leading up to the homecoming are among the most stress-filled, sleepless, anxiety- and giddiness-filled moments you could imagine.
It's truly an emotional roller coaster.
Don't get me wrong-- in a healthy family, the over-arching feeling is one of happiness that it's all going to be over and the Soldier will return home soon. In a healthy family, we are SO glad to be together again.
But "together", after great tumult, comes at a cost. There is so much that has been missed, and so much that can change in even a shorter deployment. It's gotten better now that we have such vast digital communication resources available to us, but Skype and email and Facebook chats can't make up for simply being with the other person. Sharing the couch with them and discussing a TV show. Riding next to them in the car, "Oh, I love this song!" Or simply doing chores together. Raising our girls together.
The days before a homecoming are like those moments when you are all dressed up for a big, important, life-changing date. Giddy, happy, full of nerves... Dressing up and wanting to put your best self forward. Not only are we still the amazing person that the Solder left, but we have conquered a lot and look how strong we are! Every homecoming feels like a turning point.
Homecoming is the date, of course, but the days and even weeks (and sometimes months) after that are an adjustment period similar to having a brand-new relationship. We are both used to having our own space and making our own decisions, independent of the other. Over the years, we have gotten better at these adjustments but they still stink.
And every deployment, even every "away," is different. Every adjustment is unique. Which really explains why this last week is such a roller coaster. We've done this often enough to know that some adjustments are easy. And some are decidedly not. Some of this depends on what we have individually been through during the deployment, and some of it feels like some fateful, star-aligning, algorithmic mess. In other words, it feels totally random.
I don't like random, unless it pertains to acts of kindness.
So, we are finding ways to relax and unwind while we wait. We clear our minds, we pray, we use cleaning as some sort of ritualized dumping out.
I am getting to the restless, making-lists, cleaning-up stage of the deployment, and so far we are all weathering the last few weeks pretty well. One cat has decided he's going crazy, one kid has strep...it's all good.
Let me be clear, though, that as amazing as homecoming is, it is not perfect. It is not all flags and yellow ribbons and pretty little girls in special dresses. It is not all perfect makeup, handmade signs and big teary smiles.
Homecoming is an event. A single day, a few moments, of just about perfect joy. What it leads to, though, is a process of adjustment and getting-to-know-you and finding that "new normal". (One memorable homecoming, even the joy was dampened by the fact that all three of his girls were very ill in the week leading up to that day. Our kitchen looked like a pharmacy.)
What makes these last weeks all the more difficult for me is that, even as plans are being made for him to come home, we are already talking about the next time he'll be gone. This is before we've even gotten used to sharing our space again! We're discussing school for this (6-8 weeks), school for that (another 6, and during my birthday month)... We talk about the possibility of getting orders, and moving shortly after he's home. We talk about all the little things that need to be done once he's home.
It is so hard to throw myself fully into the "OH MY GOSH HE'S COMING HOME" feeling of joy, when I know how short the time is when I'll have him. I'm already split in two, counting the moments until he's home while I cherish the moments until he must leave us again.
In our marriage, there has never been a time when I knew he'd be home "for good". There is no such thing. Even in the relatively calm pre-9/11 world, there were CQ duties, NTC, STX, field time, school... You get the idea, I'm sure. I have civilian-world friends who always have their husbands there for school meetings, recitals, birthdays, anniversaries-- and I wonder what that is like. I envy them the worry and exhaustion they feel when their husbands have to leave for short times, because I know that this feeling is only due to the fact that these moments are so few and far between.
Even during calm months, as any military spouse knows, duty comes at the worst possible time. We pride ourselves on "semper gumby", remaining flexible at all times and knowing that PLANS CHANGE.
So, during homecoming preparation, I am having to put myself back on course, over and over. Focus on him being home. Focus on him being HERE. Focus on the warmth in the home and the shared laughter and the shared weight of home. Focus.
Over the last few weeks, I've had a lot of ideas for things to write about.
Deployment meals, such as they are
Friendship
Motherhood, parenthood
I'd start writing things down, and all of a sudden I'd realize that what I was writing was absolute, pure crap.
I hate that.
During the last few weeks, I have been busy enough. I started a new blog, based on a yearlong church quest-- 52 Voices, 52 Prayers. That's easy enough to keep up with, because the journey is important to me and the topic is always the same with different venues.
I started a Couch to 5K. Some days are easier than others. Today I managed to get myself out of bed and it was raining. Mmm... Not willing to risk my phone, so I will do Wii exercises once this is done.
But I'm not writing. Not really, not creatively. And I'm not sure exactly why. I have ideas, and I want to write...it's just kind of flat-sounding once I type it out.
I will say this, though-- the best part about the last few weeks is that we are so much closer to being DONE with this deployment. So now I can write about other things--
Counting down by trash days, paydays... Milk expiration dates that match the homecoming week. I'll look for any excuse to feel giddy and excited.
Homecoming!!!
The "now what?" that inevitably follows Homecoming.
I will admit to being a little odd. Weird, even. Those who know me well are nodding their heads. Those who know me really well are probably laughing.
A lot of my friends watch those "Surprise Reunion" shows. The news is full of Dads surprising kids, or wives getting surprised at special ball games. I watch these and I tear up and I think they're really neat.
But I've never wanted to be surprised with a homecoming. I've told My G that I really would prefer some notice, even if it's a call from the airport. I've told him I don't do surprises very well. I've told him many things.
I'd want to get myself ready...maybe a pedicure.
Change the sheets and towels.
Clear off his night table and give him back his pillows.
Clean off his side of the bathroom sink (I swear, my stuff wants to take over the world).
Vacuum, do the yard, put stuff away.
A thousand and one small acts of love and welcoming, getting myself and our home ready for him to come back-- they'd all need to be done.
The other day, when Little G was at an academic awards ceremony, I saw a soldier come in who vaguely reminded me of My G. Just a little teeny bit, just enough to think "oh, I wish that were him." And then something clicked in my mind-- I've reached the point in this deployment where I would be okay if he suddenly got a chance to come home. I'd welcome it. If he showed up in one of those surprise homecoming things, I'd hope that I was dressed nicely but all the same-- I don't care.
The house can be a mess.
I can always shower later.
The yard may not be perfectly mowed.
His car may still have my lip gloss riding in the cupholder.
I really don't think he will care. And I won't either, now.
We've gone through three of these things now, plus a year of Korea, and this is the first time I've been done enough, tired enough, so the thought of surprise didn't send me into a tailspin.
If that had been My G, with his rambling walk and proud step, I'd have knocked people out of my way to hold him. I wouldn't be thinking "oh my gosh the house is a mess" or "holy cow what else does this mean for us"-- I'd be thinking one thing and one thing only..
