All I Have to Be

Driving to work the other day, one of my favorite songs came on. Amy Grant’s “All I Ever Have To Be”. It got me thinking.

Big G, Little G, and My G aren’t the only ones facing big changes in the upcoming years. My ultimate goal is to get my Masters’ Degree and career advancement, but in the meantime I am working on some other changes, internal and external.

Change, even those we create on purpose and with great intent, can sometimes make us doubt ourselves. We may wonder if the people we respect and admire (and even need) will like the changes. We may wonder if they will still like us.

If we are going through other changes or situations not of our making, it can create even more moments for doubt. We may feel like we are constantly being judged, or as though we are at a job interview or evaluation every day of our lives.

“Why did you do this?”

“How do you explain your worth?”

“For what purpose are you here?”

Those are big enough questions when we are asking them of ourselves, but they can be horribly intimidating if we feel as though other people are asking them too.

But you know what? It’s just like junior high. Most of the time, no one else is as concerned with you or your inner conflict as you are. This means that, with the support of good people and with resources you have hopefully built for yourself, you can go ahead and make those changes. If they don’t work out, or you don’t feel comfortable, that is okay. Life is all about change. Even if it’s scary, it can bring about amazing things.

What’s more, we are all created to be amazing.

Ephesians 2:10 and Psalm 139:13


So when our steps falter, or when we don’t feel like we’re living up to what we want to be, remember that God made us all. Even in the midst of tremendous change that may feel like it’s too much to ask of ourselves, remember God knows who we are and what we were made to do.



Amy Grant: All I Ever Have To Be

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohkdMXx_JlQ
When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.

But I'm still hurting,
Wondering if I'll ever be
The one I think I am.

I think I am.

Then you gently re-remind me
That you've made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.

Who you are...

And all I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.

As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.

And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.

A New City

We took a small detour on our college orientation trip, to visit a place we may some day call home. Glenn has been to this city for work many (many) times, so he proudly showed me the places he knew and invited me on his exploratory search of the places he’d never had time to visit.


Growing up, this self-same city was the one we thought of whenever it got hot—“Well, at least we don’t live THERE.” And now I, who hate the heat, am considering making this place my home.
So what did I learn?

• Dry heat feels very good to the bones, especially the stressed bones of a woman with much on her mind and in her heart.

• I can handle the heat better than I thought.

• Mexican food tastes best when the restaurant makes it from scratch, and I will never “settle” again.

• Food tastes best when shared with someone you love. 

Even cities you thought you knew, can surprise you. Who new “that city” had a huge agricultural base?

I am, at heart, an optimist. Yes, even now. And I was thrilled to rediscover that fact.

So, who knows… Big G’s future isn’t the only one that is wide open. And I can write anywhere.

Orientation

I want to write, but my head is so full of information and thoughts and feelings that anything I come up with seems scattered and disorganized. Big G’s orientation to college felt unworldly, interspersed as it was with new impressions (her joy, her growing confidence) and my own memories (we registered for classes via old phones set on rickety tables, pencils and paper standing ready). To complicate matters, Big G will be attending my first college. Though I did not finish my education there, the campus is as comforting and familiar to me as a well-worn leather jacket that had been in the back of the closet for years—familiar, yet different because I have grown and changed. In this case, of course, the campus has changed a great deal as well. But oh, so have I.

I wonder, as Big G walks around the campus, if she will imagine her mom in those classrooms. I wonder if she will find that pond where I used to eat my lunch, and enjoy the quiet of the breeze through the treetops. I wonder at what newness she will feel as she begins this new adventure on her own, and what discoveries she will make about herself and her world.

I wonder, a little bit, about the girl I was back then. I feel as though I got to know her again, for that small time as Big G and I explored the campus. Someday Big G will revisit her own youth and that bright-eyed girl will join her on her travels. I wish us all well.

Fledgling

From the moment you were born
You moved away from me.
First breath
First sleep
First smile
And so began your life on your own.

First laugh, first words
Your unique take on life
Even then, an individual
Doing it your way.

Your first steps,
Stumbling, halting
Then running and soon
You were finding your way.

First days of school
Bright yellow bus
Bright shining smile
Learning so fast.

Then suddenly, we face the “lasts”
Last days of class
Last concerts
Last days at home.

I don’t know where the time went.
I hope we did okay.
The next steps are yours,
And only yours.
First steps now turn to first flights—
Soar High.