What He Hasn't Missed

I think it's common knowledge by now that Soldiers miss a lot in their families' lives. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmases, school events... Politicians talk about the "empty chair at the table" like they've personally sat beside one of those empty chairs and know what they're talking about. (Note: some politicians do actually know how this feels, but I think I'm safe in saying that's a minority.)

Anyway, that's pretty common knowledge.

It's easy to sink into that blue feeling, looking ahead at 2014. It would be very easy to think about what he'll miss this time around, what things I will be alone for, what things the kids won't have their father close by for, etc. If I'm not careful, that line of thinking can become very depressing, very fast.

Yeah, it's true he'll miss a lot. And there's a lot I'll be doing solo. But that ignores a very important fact, one I told my best friend 20 years ago when she asked how I could handle him being gone so much: "I'd rather him in my life when he can be, than not have our life together at all."

I started a different line of thinking today, to help me focus on what is more important. What he hasn't missed, what he's been here for, and what matters most.

He's been here for me through two surgeries, one minor and one more serious. He took care of me after both.

He's been here to help get our yard totally landscaped. You'd never guess, looking at his work, what this house looked like the day we moved in. He's even set it up so I can plant one last rose bush once he's gone, because we just haven't found the right one yet. (Ask me about the hole in the ground.)

He's been here to see our oldest graduate from 8th grade and from high school.

He taught her how to drive.

He has seen her first apartment, and met her first after-high-school boyfriend.

He took care of everything (EVERYTHING) while I was away this summer, caring for my mother. And then he drove us 14 hours to go back there to help her move.

He saw our Little G finish elementary school.

He put up the tree this year, all by himself, so I would find it lit and gorgeous when I got home from work. All we had to do was hang ornaments.

He puts out Christmas lights, each year a little more elaborate, whenever he's home.

He helped choose and care for our first tree in this yard. (And decorated it with a few pitiful lights that first year.)

He's rescued kittens from our back yard.

He's taken care of pests in that same back yard (including wasps, for which I cannot thank him enough).

He's cleaned and cooked and cared in every possible way that a husband and father can - which is why, this year, I will not be focused on what he's missing. I'll be taking photos and sending him notes and helping him "not miss" it so much.

Our Soldiers sacrifice a hell of a lot for this country. The least I can do is keep my focus on what is right, instead of painful, about being married to this one.

Choice and Appreciation

Is it any wonder that so many military marriages end in divorce, especially following a deployment or other extended time “away”? 

This might not seem like a logical (or even hopeful) opening for a blog titled “appreciation”, but I’ll explain. 

And to my Soldier, if you read my blog, trust me—I’m keeping you. :)

Whenever my Soldier is away, I do all of my own stuff and all of his stuff, too.  I also get to sprawl across the bed, and take up as much counter space as I want to.  I find myself capable of opening my own bottles (usually), mowing the yard, finding care for the cars and doing small maintenance jobs around the house.  I act as both mother and father to our children.

I think this strength is partially to blame for some of the divorces that come along.  Wives figure out that they are capable of doing quite a lot more than they are usually asked or required to do.  So in some ways, they don’t “need” their spouse.  Without that need, what keeps the marriage going? 

Easy—we choose to keep our marriages.  We choose to keep our relationships strong.  We choose to love, laugh, sometimes argue, and make up with our spouse.  It is the person, not what they can do for us, which becomes our focus.

Don’t get me wrong—I just finished mowing the yard today.  That is my own little hardship labor during his “aways”.  When mowing, I cuss at the mower, beseech her to start again, beg the tall weedy things to actually let themselves be CUT…  I wonder sometimes what the neighbors think, if they can hear me.  During this time, I learn to appreciate my Soldier even more.   He does a fantastic job with our yard.  It is mowed, it is edged, it is trimmed so nicely.  When weeds pop up, they bow before his mower in a dance of supplication.  When I finish mowing, many of those same weeds pop right back up again. 

The thing is, though, that I don’t “need” him for those things he does around the house.  I can ask for help, I can struggle through, and I’m a pretty darn capable person.  The reason I need my Soldier is for what he brings to my life by simply being…himself.  Whether he is thousands of miles away or lying right in bed next to me, I choose him for who he is.  I choose to love, laugh, argue and make up with – him.  Sure, I could do it on my own.  Sometimes, thanks to the Army, I have to.   But life is sweeter and funnier and warmer when he is in my life.