Tuesday's Ten: Why I Am So Tired

I had last week all planned.  Lots of writing, then pack my stuff and head off to bring Big G back for summer classes.  It was going to be a whirlwind trip, but fun, too, and not a big deal.

Whew.

At the other side of it, I am wiped out.  Big G slept reallllly late today (but in her own room...so nice) and I crashed for a nap this morning after Little G went to school.

So why am I so tired?

1.  I managed to smash my right big toe not once, but twice last week.  Limping makes everything harder.

2. At the last minute, Little G and I realized that she had an after-school presentation thingy Thursday.

3.  On Friday, Little G had to be at school an hour early to head off on an all-day field trip.  Then it was time to fly...that was the smoothest part of the whole trip, I must say.  Yay, American Airlines!

4.  Friday afternoon, I helped Big G sort out the rest of her packing.

5.  Friday night, I got to watch a (schmaltzy) movie with my Mom.  That was a neat treat, and well worth the fatigue from staying up too late.

6.  Saturday, I woke up at 6.  Really?!  Nothing woke me up...just BLINK and I was awake.

7.  More packing....But we got almost everything in and only had to ship one big item.

8.  Dinner with My G's parents and his Grandma and cousin...I am so incredibly blessed to have married into this family!

9.  Another movie...this one was MUCH better.  We laughed and talked a lot.

10.  The drive here took at least 2 1/2 hours longer than it should have.  I'm still not sure what happened.   We didn't take lunch, other than eating in the car, and dinner took half an hour.  We did stretch our legs to gas up but it still shouldn't have taken us that long...It was earrrrllllyyy the next morning when we got in.

Bonus:  Adjusting to having two kids again instead of one, adjusting to having an adult child in the house, adjusting to schedules and end of school for Little G, still in deployment/independent mode, healing toes, confused cats, weird weather and trying to do a job hunt...  Nah, those wouldn't be part of it now, would they?

Deployment Brain, Kids' View

I think my heart just broke a little bit.  The below paragraph is from my Little G, and came after I showed her a website for younger children whose parents were deployed.  

"Kids my age, we don’t need all that stuff.  We can just deal.  We try NOT to think about the deployment, because it makes us sad.  You mentioned deployment brain? If you notice sometimes you’ll explain things and I’ll seem to be listening and I’ll say “sure, okay” and then a few minutes later I won’t have any idea what you’ve said— it’s because I’m zoning out, trying NOT to think about the deployment."

I think of her as my little stoic one.  When she was four or five, she had to have several shots all at once.  She only let one tear slip silently down her cheek, and that one tear had the nurse nearly in tears himself.  When she was 6 or 7, we had her tested for allergies to see if we could control her asthma by knowing what triggered it.  She had something like 15-20 little pricks on her back.  No tears, just "this has to be done".

Sometimes with kids, it is too easy to think they are adjusting well and having an easy time of it.  Sometimes it is too easy to think the same thing others mistakenly say to us-- We're "used to it".  

Just because we don't see them crying, doesn't mean they don't weep.

Just because we don't see their fear, doesn't mean they are not afraid.

Just because they don't constantly talk about their parent, doesn't mean they don't miss them.

And I, for one, am glad of the reminder.  There are many resources for kids whose parents are deployed.  There are camps, there are marvelous "Mock Deployments" where they have out-briefs and road marches, there are special events.  But when kids have been through multiple deployments and they are "used to it", what's out there?  What do you do? 

I think...  I could be wrong, but I think we do the same things we would want for ourselves.  A funny note in the mail.  Activities to keep us busy, but not exhausted.  Good food, adequate rest, and lots of friends who love us.  

Thank you, Little (stoic) G, for the reminder tonight that there is much below the surface.  While this post is about kids who are going through deployments, I think it stands as a reminder for anyone whose kids are going through a rough time.   We may not see what is going on. We may not always hear directly from the kids what they feel and think about their experience.  We may even tell ourselves the greatest lie of my generation "kids are resilient".  But we must, absolutely must, remember that they are just children and we are shaping and forming the adults they will become.  

Keep talking.  Keep listening.  Keep asking them what they need from us.

Beautiful in My Eyes

This post is for my two G's-- Big and Little.

The G stands for "girl", by the way-- it's not really their initial.

You are beautiful.

Your smile, from the first moment I ever saw it, just lights up my world.  You both smiled early and often as babies.  Now that you are growing up, of course your smiles have changed.  You have changed.

But you are beautiful.

I know sometimes you fret about your hair.  Or your skin.  Or your height.

Don't you see the intelligence in those bright eyes?

Don't you see the wit in the grin?

Sometimes, when you look at me, you literally steal my breath.  Poof-- it's gone.  And I'm left wondering how on earth we are so blessed.

When you were both infants and toddlers, I used to love to play with your hands and feet.  I marveled at the teeny nails and the little lines across your knuckles.

Little G, you obviously had my feet.  And even when you were really little, we called you Mini Me because you have my expressions and sometimes my way of speaking.

And Big G, your bird-like bone structure was so much like your Great Grandma that it was no wonder she smiled every time you walked into the room during visits.  Those long fingers were made for the music and crafts you love.

Those hands and feet have changed, of course, but sometimes I still find myself marveling.  I don't know if every mother reflects, 19 years later, on the miracle that happens when those two cells come together.  I do.  And I marvel that it happened twice for us.

Next week is Big G's birthday.  Since My G is a Soldier, he has unfortunately missed his share of her birthdays.  I know it kills him every time, but it's also part and parcel of the whole Soldier gig.

But this is my first one to miss.  And it's going to tear me up.

I am so fortunate that Big G is living with family while she is beginning college, because I got a first-day-of-school smile (ok, I got a scowl...still gorgeous).  I will ask for a birthday picture.

And I will look over at Little G and see her braces twinkle and her eyes sparkle.  And I will give her extra hugs because I understand now what I didn't before.

Every child is uniquely beautiful to the mother who loves them.  And to the God who made them.

And every.single.day is precious beyond measure.

Beautiful In My Eyes-- Joshua Kadison

Tuesday's Ten

Some days are good and difficult all at once.  Kind of a rock-back-and-forth, up-and-down roller coaster.  Fortunately, there were more "good" things than bad.


1.  I love mornings when I get a good hour or so in a quiet house, all by myself.  I love being around people, and I love talking/chatting/visiting, but on days when I can be by myself for a little bit, I have a better day overall.


2.  I went on Post to get the ACS home vendor packet (finally) and wow...  They practically want a sample of your blood!


3.  However, I was able to chat with three people about different things and found out more places to do events and sell great products.  :)


4.  I really should have had a bigger lunch...  My schedule is still so off-kilter that some days I lose all track of mealtimes.  I eat when I'm hungry but sometimes I don't eat enough or I eat at the wrong times and it usually catches up to me in the evening.


5.  For a job application, I had to take a typing test.  Now, I took typing in high school as a freshman.  Mom insisted (and thank goodness she did).  I'm fast on the backspace, but I've never thought of myself as a particularly fast typist.  That being said, apparently I remember more about touch typing than I thought.  I thought I'd do well, but I was stunned to get 75 words per minute.  Happy, happy...still on a high from that one.


6.  My little G is in a tired/rotten/grumpy mood.  Is this what I have to look forward to every day she's not 100% through her teen years??   I know what things were like with my Big G, but omigoodness this isn't going to be fun.


7.  That being said, her concert last night was great and I love to see her face light up like that.


8.  I also got to talk to my Mom today, which almost always makes me smile.   I told her thank you for making me take that typing class.


9.  My G got orders today, officially putting him on the manifest for next year.  I'm trying to tell myself it's a different deployment.  It's a different situation.  It's shorter-- I can do this in my sleep because, after all, I've done 15 months.  Cakewalk.  (Remember the "denial" stage I mentioned in an earlier post?)


10.  I'm determined to end this on a positive note.  There are a few clouds in the sky and the temperature is cooler and wonderful.  Chances of rain are improving, or so the weatherman says, so I am holding to that one thing that keeps me going most of my life:  Hope.