Deployment Brain, Kids' View

I think my heart just broke a little bit.  The below paragraph is from my Little G, and came after I showed her a website for younger children whose parents were deployed.  

"Kids my age, we don’t need all that stuff.  We can just deal.  We try NOT to think about the deployment, because it makes us sad.  You mentioned deployment brain? If you notice sometimes you’ll explain things and I’ll seem to be listening and I’ll say “sure, okay” and then a few minutes later I won’t have any idea what you’ve said— it’s because I’m zoning out, trying NOT to think about the deployment."

I think of her as my little stoic one.  When she was four or five, she had to have several shots all at once.  She only let one tear slip silently down her cheek, and that one tear had the nurse nearly in tears himself.  When she was 6 or 7, we had her tested for allergies to see if we could control her asthma by knowing what triggered it.  She had something like 15-20 little pricks on her back.  No tears, just "this has to be done".

Sometimes with kids, it is too easy to think they are adjusting well and having an easy time of it.  Sometimes it is too easy to think the same thing others mistakenly say to us-- We're "used to it".  

Just because we don't see them crying, doesn't mean they don't weep.

Just because we don't see their fear, doesn't mean they are not afraid.

Just because they don't constantly talk about their parent, doesn't mean they don't miss them.

And I, for one, am glad of the reminder.  There are many resources for kids whose parents are deployed.  There are camps, there are marvelous "Mock Deployments" where they have out-briefs and road marches, there are special events.  But when kids have been through multiple deployments and they are "used to it", what's out there?  What do you do? 

I think...  I could be wrong, but I think we do the same things we would want for ourselves.  A funny note in the mail.  Activities to keep us busy, but not exhausted.  Good food, adequate rest, and lots of friends who love us.  

Thank you, Little (stoic) G, for the reminder tonight that there is much below the surface.  While this post is about kids who are going through deployments, I think it stands as a reminder for anyone whose kids are going through a rough time.   We may not see what is going on. We may not always hear directly from the kids what they feel and think about their experience.  We may even tell ourselves the greatest lie of my generation "kids are resilient".  But we must, absolutely must, remember that they are just children and we are shaping and forming the adults they will become.  

Keep talking.  Keep listening.  Keep asking them what they need from us.

First Day, New School

Last week was the first class of Financial Peace University.  I am debating doing a Money Monday theme for a while, using the information we're learning.

But that's not what this post is about.

Last week, I went to the class excited about learning new things and looking forward to meeting new people.  As my friend Kim has said, I like people.  I love meeting new people.

Well, they weren't all that friendly.  They all knew each other, and they all seemed to attend the church where the class was held (which I chose because it was so close to our house).  They even seemed to view me with...well...suspicion.

Suspicion?  Me?

So, all week long it has bothered me a little bit.  I couldn't tell if it was my perception or if it was reality that they were chilly towards this new member.

I couldn't put my finger on it.  Until today.

I happened to mention to Little G that the class seemed a little distant.  They all seemed to know each other.  They didn't seem all that interested in this new person in their class.

She piped up, "Oh, like the first day at a new school."

Oh. My. God.

I get it now.  I, who only changed schools when everyone else I knew also changed them, suddenly get it.  I was an adult before I ever really had a "new school"-- and college is a totally different situation.

I really get it.

People talk about how resilient military kids are.  People talk about how brave they are, how strong, how everything.  I definitely agree.

But I didn't really, truly get it.  That chilly sensation?  That "everyone knows each other and they don't care about me" feeling?   That is what my Big G has gone through countless times.  That is what these kids go through every.single.move.

Some kids are really good at this, and they find their way very easily.  Some kids have it harder.  But do we really realize, do we really appreciate and understand what this does?

My class is a group of friendly, open adults.  Tonight's class was much better. I think it's because I am sitting back a little more and trying to ease my way into their group instead of jumping in with both feet.

I can imagine, though, how it would be if these were middle school kids.  Or high school teenagers.  And now that I know how that "New Kid" feeling really is, I have a deeper appreciation for what our kids go through.

I hope you do, too.

Kids are resilient.  Kids are strong.  But we must (absolutely must) recognize and appreciate what it takes to make them that way, and give them the resources and support they need.  I don't mean money, or special programs-- I mean a friendly smile when we see a new person.  I mean talking with our kids and really listening.  I mean understanding that chilly-new-kid feeling, and talking with them about it.

Thank you, Little G for summing up why the class felt awkward.  And thank you, Big G for turning into such an amazing strong person despite our lack of true understanding.

This can be a lonely place.

Need suggestions?  Look here-- New Kid in School