Deployment Brain, Kids' View

I think my heart just broke a little bit.  The below paragraph is from my Little G, and came after I showed her a website for younger children whose parents were deployed.  

"Kids my age, we don’t need all that stuff.  We can just deal.  We try NOT to think about the deployment, because it makes us sad.  You mentioned deployment brain? If you notice sometimes you’ll explain things and I’ll seem to be listening and I’ll say “sure, okay” and then a few minutes later I won’t have any idea what you’ve said— it’s because I’m zoning out, trying NOT to think about the deployment."

I think of her as my little stoic one.  When she was four or five, she had to have several shots all at once.  She only let one tear slip silently down her cheek, and that one tear had the nurse nearly in tears himself.  When she was 6 or 7, we had her tested for allergies to see if we could control her asthma by knowing what triggered it.  She had something like 15-20 little pricks on her back.  No tears, just "this has to be done".

Sometimes with kids, it is too easy to think they are adjusting well and having an easy time of it.  Sometimes it is too easy to think the same thing others mistakenly say to us-- We're "used to it".  

Just because we don't see them crying, doesn't mean they don't weep.

Just because we don't see their fear, doesn't mean they are not afraid.

Just because they don't constantly talk about their parent, doesn't mean they don't miss them.

And I, for one, am glad of the reminder.  There are many resources for kids whose parents are deployed.  There are camps, there are marvelous "Mock Deployments" where they have out-briefs and road marches, there are special events.  But when kids have been through multiple deployments and they are "used to it", what's out there?  What do you do? 

I think...  I could be wrong, but I think we do the same things we would want for ourselves.  A funny note in the mail.  Activities to keep us busy, but not exhausted.  Good food, adequate rest, and lots of friends who love us.  

Thank you, Little (stoic) G, for the reminder tonight that there is much below the surface.  While this post is about kids who are going through deployments, I think it stands as a reminder for anyone whose kids are going through a rough time.   We may not see what is going on. We may not always hear directly from the kids what they feel and think about their experience.  We may even tell ourselves the greatest lie of my generation "kids are resilient".  But we must, absolutely must, remember that they are just children and we are shaping and forming the adults they will become.  

Keep talking.  Keep listening.  Keep asking them what they need from us.

Deployment Brain

I don't know about anyone else, but I like to be organized.  I have (too) many calendar apps, reminder apps, and a paper calendar that hangs in the kitchen.   I also have a weekly planner calendar white board that keeps me on track for meals and that week's appointments.

Hence, forgetting an appointment is embarrassing.  Thinking that a meeting is one day when it's really another, also embarrassing but thankfully salvageable if checked in time. I tend to be on the ditzy side sometimes, but the biggest time I forget things is when my brain is just...full.

Full of school.  My G likes to share the story of the taco meat I browned during finals week.  He came into the kitchen to find a little Mt. Etna of seasoning piled onto the rapidly-cooling meat, but no Casey.  I'd emptied the packet, and seemingly wandered off to do something else.

Full of children.  Many moms know what I mean.  Your head gets full of kid stuff, especially if they're sick or going through something stressful/big/momentous/weepy.  All sorts of other things get sort of muddled in there and we lose track.

And...full of the deployment.  I think I've reached the point in this one where I am thinking "oh my gosh, will it ever end?"  That usually happens after about 6-8 weeks, and it goes away and life goes on.  But that period of forgetfulness, of stress, of "am I completely losing my mind" frustration-- sigh, it takes some serious patience.

Patience with ourselves, that is.  I'm trying to tell myself the things I would tell anyone who is a little frazzled.

Self-care, stay hydrated, eat well and regularly, go for a walk.

You know what?  Those tips work pretty well.  In the meantime, I sure appreciate those around me who have been through this period of "duh" before, and made it out.  I appreciate the laughter as people share their own stories.  And I know eventually, I'll be back on track.



P.S. Does anyone else go through periods of intense "duh" when you're normally pretty focused?   Tell me your funniest stories.  :)