The Real Cost of War

Today, I heard about another one.  A family, which has lost their Soldier.  A Soldier, back from deployment and needing services.  A unit, not holding him accountable nor recognizing the true risk.

I remember when I first started college, a friend of mine had a brother-in-law who was a Vietnam vet.  He wore braces on ankles that had been irreversibly injured, and slept on average two hours a night, plagued by nightmares.  He taught me about PTSD, which wasn't something most people had ever heard of at that time.  He was picking himself up and creating a good life for himself-- but it took him 20 years after he returned home from war, to start to be "okay".

Is that what we want for our Soldiers today?  Have we learned nothing at all?  Do we want 20 years to pass before they can regain their lives?

A church in a New Jersey town recently memorialized the 6,358 American servicemembers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan by planting a small American flag for each of them.  The visual is a stunning reminder of our loss as a nation, and of the true cost of war.

I think the loss is far, far greater than 6,358.  I don't think there are enough flags to show the true cost.  Every week, I hear about another marriage that hasn't made it.  Suicide rates skyrocketed until the Army realized something had to be done and implemented new programs to forcefully address the issue.  Child abuse?  Spouse abuse?  How many partially healed bruises and stolen childhoods are as a result of Soldiers coming home to units that are incapable, ill-equipped, or unwilling to make sure they get the services they need?

Then there is the horrifying story of a Staff Sergeant who is charged in the murders of 16 Afghani citizens.  How much of what happened is personal and how much of it is a systemic breaking-down, we won't know for a long time.  But I pray it's a wake up call.

They say war is hell.  But the aftermath of war, when the Soldiers come home broken in every way they can be broken, can be just as devastating.  I hope it doesn't take this generation's military 20 years to find healing.

Field Of Flags Memorial -- More than 6, 358 flags would be necessary to show the true cost of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

So-- Why Thank A Spouse?

A friend of mine, also the spouse of an active duty Soldier, clued me in to a discussion about thanking a spouse on Veteran's Day, or any other day.  

On Veteran’s Day, we acknowledge and thank our Veterans and our active duty military members for their service.  Sometimes, I get a “thank you, too!” as a spouse.  It always makes me smile.  Sometimes it catches me off guard, because most of the time I don’t think about it.

But I appreciate the word of thanks.

And I think any spouse of a service member deserves it.

Some disagree—I’m fine with that.  That's their right.  But I’d like to explain why it is important to acknowledge these spouses.

I am the spouse of an active duty Soldier. 

I don’t sleep in a tent.

I don’t carry a gun.

I don’t get multiple vaccinations for God-knows-what.

My life is not going to be on the line.

I am not given orders that I must obey without flinching. 

While my behavior can reflect positively or poorly on my Soldier, I will not get formal reprimands for the people I talk to or the way I look.

So…why thank a spouse?  What do we do?

We’re the ones who help the Soldiers stay focused. 

We bring them back from the brink, when no one else is close enough to see how much they hurt.

We give them something to come back to, a reason to fight in the first place.

We hug them, when the world is so cold.

We keep their finances and their homes and their lives running—so they can focus on staying alive. 

While the average citizen is sleeping comfortably, we are up all night talking to our Soldiers. 

Or simply up all night, praying.  Because there has been a blackout of all communications.

Or up all night, bathing a child who has the stomach flu and only wants their other parent.  

You know, the other parent who is protecting the country.

How is this different from being a single parent?  Well, I addressed that in “Single Mom? Hardly” last month.

But what do we do?  What do we REALLY do, that deserves any credit?  

Let me ask you this—was the Greatest Generation only great because of the sacrifices of our military?  

No.  They were great because our grandparents did what needed to be done to fight that fight and keep things going on the homefront.  At the time, the entire country rallied around, and anyone who could serve—did so with pride.

That’s not the case now.  But I digress.

Those who keep things running so that these Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines will have something worth coming home to, worth fighting for, well—we wage a battle of our own.

We fight against depression, darkness, and the boredom of those who forget that we are still a nation at war.

We fight against the ignorance of those who say “it’s no big deal”.  I’ve heard that “it’s no big deal” that they’re deployed.  I’ve heard that “it’s no big deal,” that I’m just doing a wife’s “duty”. 

To some extent, I agree that it’s a wife’s duty.  I’m just old-fashioned enough to think that yes, I should do whatever it takes to support my husband and keep the house running.

But, lest the rest of the world might forget, we are the ones who remember.  

These men and women are not doing this just to take care of their families.  

They are not doing this for the paycheck.  

They are not doing this for personal gain.  

They are bearing the burden for the rest of the country—and we are helping to make sure they can do continue to do it.

So, yes.  Thank a vet.  And if you know the spouse, tell them “thank you for sharing your Soldier”.   

Veterans' Day-- What to Say?

So, it's Veterans' Day, and I love all of the "thank you" and "honor a vet" kinds of things I'm seeing on Facebook and elsewhere.  I know there are people who don't think once about a Soldier or a vet until this day rolls around, and I know those whose hearts are touched every moment by the true meaning behind being a veteran or current military member.

It's all good.

The free meals, discounts, and other "we appreciate you" gestures that have popped up from certain businesses are nice.  I try not to be cynical and just try to think the best of the businesses that offer them.  But I digress.

My friend Kat is in the beginning stages of setting up an equine therapy program, and she told me that most of the clients will be wounded warriors-- those vets who didn't come home from combat unscathed.  I don't know the details, exactly.  I have heard great things about equine therapy with lots of different groups, and I think that there is a little bit of magic to be made in the saddle.

Somehow, horses don't have to be told what we need.  They don't need to know what to say, what to do, or how to avoid those awkward conversation topics.  They just are.

However, the therapists and handlers are very human.  And, like many people, Kat said she wasn't sure exactly what to say.  Or, perhaps more importantly, what not to say.

We'll start with a little bit of "what to say" to get the ball rolling.  Easy stuff first.

My own beloved Soldier told me "talk about sports".  No politics, no "are we STILL in name-that-distant-country", no hot topics.  

Ask where a Soldier (or family member) has been.  Ask where they're from originally.  Let them know "hey, I've been there!" or "Gee, I always wanted to go."

Talk about  hobbies, talk about interests...heck, just ask them about themselves.  And if they don't seem like they want to open up, let the silence be an easy one.

Let them know if a loved one is in the military, or is/was a vet.  You don't need to get into details, especially difficult ones (no talk of "Uncle Jeff was never the same after Vietnam" or "Grandma really suffered after Grandpa died in the Battle of the Bulge").  If you're proud of their service, great!  But keep it easy, keep it light.

Build some trust.

Going to be working with the military and you're not sure about acronyms?

Look them up.  :)

Want to learn about bases/posts/installations?  This site isn't official but it is a good general overview.

Now that you have the conversation started, here are some tips about what not to say.  Some of these are my own, many are supplied from other spouses.  I am deeply grateful for the spouse of a wounded warrior who gave me some good advice.

Kat, please don't be insulted.  All of these are things people have said to Soldiers and/or spouses.

First and foremost, you do NOT know how they feel.  (Unless, of course, you are also a wounded warrior or a spouse of one.  Even then it's a pretty bald assumption.)

Frequent travel for work is not the same as a deployment.  Being deployed is not "like any other job" and please don't say it is.

I personally don't really care for "I don't know how you handle him being gone so often/so long".  Heck, most of the time I don't know how I handle it either.  Thanks for pointing that out.

Not all military members like to be thanked "for their service."  My Soldier is always touched when a vet pays for his meal, or shakes his hand with a certain "I understand" expression.

But "hey, thanks for your service!" is sometimes awkward.  There is a fine line between appreciating the sacrifice that these men and women make, and sounding like you're saying "thanks for doing it so I don't have to think about it".

Please, don't ever say "you know what you signed up for".  "You knew what the risks were." We are neither psychic nor omniscient.

ASK before you photograph.  My fellow spouse, whose husband was wounded, has said "no photographs".

She has also said that people should ask her husband what happened to him-- it is his story, after all.  Perhaps ask the family members how they're doing.  How are they holding up, how can you help.  But for details on what happened-- ask the Soldier.

And knowing a wounded warrior (your uncle, your niece, your friend from college) is not the same as being married to one.  Not even if it's your own child.  It's nowhere close.

Don't ask intrusive details beyond that which you must know to help them.  If you can't see the wounds, ask if they will need help in some way that you can't predict.  If you can see the wounds, don't assume they are unable to do things for themselves.

Especially don't ask those intrusive details of the spouse or other family member.  If they need to talk, let them take the lead.

I hope this has been helpful.  Let's recognize and honor our Veterans and Service members today-- and all year long.

Need more?  Check out these links.

What not to say/do to the spouse of a deployed soldier.

What not to say to a Soldier's spouse. (I don't agree with all of these but you'd still be surprised what we get told.  I'm told that the original post was on The War Report, which is another interesting site.)

Funny, though snarky...

A bit of the Soldier's perspective.  Especially the comments after the original short post.

This one is haunting...  In memory of SPC Jason Cooper. 

Five Questions-- Let Me Introduce You

My friend Maggie doesn't know this, but there was a time when her friendship kept me from going over a pretty dark cliff.  She, and others, helped me realize that the issue at hand wasn't something I could change or fix, and that I was still strong and worthy and "okay".  

I worked with her husband and I remember when their family came to the unit-- it was like a light had gone on in a room that hadn't seemed dark.  Their precious little boys, their love for those precious little boys, and their love for each other made the rest of the world brighter.

So here you go-- I'm glad you get to meet my friend Maggie.

1. What are five things you know now about military life that you wish someone had told you?

Sometimes things happen for a reason and God’s ways are not our ways and sometimes He uses Uncle Sugar’s employees to demonstrate that.

Sometimes there is no good reason for the way things happen with the military and you’ll be a lot happier if you just go with the flow.

Don’t fret too much about the friends you will be leaving at one duty station because chances are you’ll meet up again at another duty station. A lot of times goodbye is just for a little bit. 

Be FLEXIBLE!!! Getting wrapped around the axle about something you and your spouse are powerless to change is a total waste of energy.

Although it will be hard, sad, lonely etc., it will also be the BEST time of your life.

2. What is the most important thing you'd like to tell new spouses? 

Do yourself a favor and keep busy with something positive. Get an education, volunteer, engage in healthy hobbies, and surround yourself with others who are like-minded. There is plenty of opportunity to wallow in misery and fall in with bad company. Just don’t!!

3. What do you love the most? 

The opportunity to meet new people at every duty station; variety is the spice of life right? I have had the privilege of meeting some of the most amazing people ever, thanks to military life.

4. What do you find the hardest?

Military funerals, even if the deceased was someone you only new causally or by association. Not a single day passes by that I don’t think of our dear friends that paid the ultimate price for freedom.

5. Tell me a story that sums up military life for you. 

I went to my first duty station absolutely bitter because I was not going where I wanted to go and I was not going to be doing the job that I wanted to be doing either. The only bright spot or so it seemed at the time was that a friend from basic training was already there. (We’re still friends to this very day.) 

I got to my first unit and discovered that it wasn’t so bad after all. I made friends quickly AND I enjoyed the job after all!! My boss, to whom I shall be forever grateful, introduced me to my wonderful husband. If that wasn’t good enough, I got the kind of friends that last a life time and I keep making more with every new duty station.

The Five Stages-- Bargaining

This is the fourth in a series of blogs based on Kubler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief. These, however, are the Five Stages of a Deployment, or extended TDY, or any time our Soldier is “away”.

The time frame for these may vary depending on the spouse and on the individual couple. For example, when we first got married and I had moved halfway across the country, our first CQ involved all five stages because it happened the first day in our new home. Now, I don’t really do many of these until about the third week, or they pass so quickly it’s a mere bad mood.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I am purposefully not doing the stages in the usual order, because even Kubler-Ross says these stages aren’t necessarily complete or chronological. Each person is unique.

Bargaining—

I think most military spouses bargain with God during any “away”--  We pretend to ourselves that if we keep the yard nice, keep the kids “okay”, keep busy and involved enough, then our Soldier will come home safe.  He (or she) will come home whole.

It’s a farcical bargain, of course.  Far too many Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines never make it home at all.  Even the simplest training exercise can sometimes result in tragedy.  Deployments, during which it feels like our military member has a great big target on their back, are more fraught with danger and risk.   Whether they come home whole and hearty is not something we have control over.

Which, of course, is the scariest part of any “away”.  We have no control, ultimately.  It comes down to faith in their training, in their awareness of the risk, and their desire to come back to us.

When faith wavers, and we aren’t sure who to turn to, we begin to bargain with ourselves.  We’ll take that class, we’ll make the home improvement, we’ll keep our kids busy just like if our Soldier were home.  Then, of course, he’ll come back to us.  He’ll be proud of us, and he’ll know that we, too, have made sacrifices for our country.

I can’t speak for all military spouses, of course.  I can only speak for myself, really.   When I am mowing, though, or taking care of the cars, or really doing anything around the house that would normally be in “his lane”, the biggest frustration for me comes when I can’t do it as well or as nicely as he does.  I want to do it well, so he has something nice to come home to, and he doesn’t get saddled with fixing whatever it is that I’ve done.

I will admit to another kind of bargaining, as well.  I’m a touch superstitious.  When I used to be on call with my former employer, I wouldn’t say that the phone had been quiet—until my duty period was over.  I don’t talk about a check I’m anticipating until I receive it.  I don’t watch the news while my Soldier is gone, and I really don’t like talking about what he might be doing or experiencing unless there is something that can be done to help him. 

I realize, even as I’m trying to do things “just right” and trying to ignore the news, that my husband’s time is not up to me or up to what I do or don’t do.  I believe in a God who has an ordained plan. I also know that the surest way to have my Soldier happy to be home and proud of me, is to do my part to keep our marriage as strong as possible.  That focus on our marriage will help, I know, when he comes home.  Whether he comes home strong and whole, or hurting in some way, the marriage will need to be strong to withstand the reintegration period that is such an adjustment for all military Families.

That won’t stop me from making one more small bargain.  I won’t post this blog until he’s home this time.  

Five Questions: Boundary Keeper

My friend Dee Squared is another lady I've met via the joys of the internet. Whenever someone needs a prayer, or a kind word, Dee is there. She strongly advises that people keep proper emotional boundaries so that they don't get sucked into other people's drama, and she often recommends the book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend. Many military spouses have benefited from this advice, whether they've read the book or not.

Thank you, Dee, for taking the time to answer. :)



1. What are five things you know now about military life that you wish someone had told you?

A - A good attitude can go a long way in any situation. Is the glass half-full, or is it half-empty?

B - You have to be really flexible sometimes - Semper Gumby! If your hubby calls you in the middle of the day unexpectedly, be prepared for, "Honey, have you ever heard of XYZ Base? There's a slot open there that I might be sent to fill." Ask me how I know.

C - Your closest friends may be people you've never met in person, but perhaps if you're REALLY lucky, you may be able to get together once or twice in this crazy life we live. LOL!

D - Never be afraid to ask questions, and don't stop until you're satisfied you know what you need to know. And don't think you know everything there is to know about military life. Things are always changing, and what might be policy 10 years ago may no longer be so now.

E - Stay out of your husband's work issues. You wouldn't want him dealing with your work issues, so afford him the same respect. This does not mean, however, that you can't be there to listen to him and offer advice. Just don't be too quick to run down to his office to fight his battles for him, no matter how tempted you may be. I've learned to ask, "Do you want advice, or do you just need to vent?"

2. What is the most important thing you'd like to tell new spouses?

Arm yourself with the knowledge about the military. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Seek out a long-time military wife and learn from her.

3. What do you love the most?

I've loved the opportunity to experience various parts of the world that I probably would never have thought of going to if I'd not been in/involved with the military.

4. What do you find the hardest?

Saying good-bye to friends (for PCS) and to my husband (for deployments).

5. Tell me a story that sums up military life for you.

When my oldest was in preschool, there was an event at her school where family/friends were invited to attend. I was making conversation and asked another student's grandmother, "So, how long are you in town for?" The answer: "We live down the street from him (the student)." LOL! I'm so used to our nomadic lifestyle that I just automatically assume grandparents live far away.

Five Questions-- Body and Mind (Kat)

Sometimes, in the craziness of military life, spouses will decide big changes are in order. Some go back to school, some repaint whole homes, some seek self-improvement in a search for something that they can control.

Beginning in early December 2010, Katherine W. decided to make some big changes. Since then, she has lost more than 40 pounds and reduced her body fat from 35% (morbidly obese) to 15%.

You can look at her progress on her fan page, which she created to show others that they can do amazing things if they put their minds to it. She has even competed as a body athlete, which requires great focus and dedication.

You can see other amateur and semi-pro athletes on Team Snappy Cow.

All this time, things were incredibly challenging for this military spouse. Her husband had an extremely serious head/neck injury during the training that would have prepared him for his fourth deployment, sending him home early in order to recover. She lovingly refers to him as "Captain Delicious" and says he's epic--

"I mean really, who else heals up so well after a broken neck that he charges back into combat because his soldiers are in danger? The man is captain america incarnate."

"All joking aside though, I'm really not anything special. I had to work around his schedule, around his surgeries, on a single income budget with all these kids running crazy. And if I can do it then anyone else can. And if they don't think they can, send 'em to me and I'll prove them wrong. My whole goal in life changed after this experience and I want nothing more than to show other military spouses and soldiers what amazing things they are capable of. I want them to believe in themselves the way I believe in them."

I think these words make her special. This is the kind of spirit that embodies strong women, and especially strong military spouses. There is so much that we face, so much that we endure, and still there is this indomitable spirit.

Five Questions--

1. What are five things you know now about military life that you wish someone had told you?

* That they can control every aspect of your life.
* Whenever you think, "they can't do that!", remember, yes they can.
* That there is no sadder and horrific sound than the seven gun salute.
* That the support you find in internet groups will sometimes be greater than the support you find from RL (real life) friends.
* That as awful as your PCM (Primary Care Manager) may be, if something happens to your soldier, they'll do everything they can to make sure he or she has the best.

2. What is the most important thing you'd like to tell new spouses?

Stay away from the commander. I don't care how unfair you think the schedule is, how much your spouse works or how many times he's had duty. Going to the commander will make his life worse and if things are that bad, your spouse knows how to access IG. Don't be "that wife".

3. What do you love the most?

Traveling to new places. Sometimes it seems like you're going someplace horrrible, but you'll find something to love eventually and by the time you PCS, you'll find yourself missing your last base.

4. What do you find the hardest?

Deployments of course. Having your soldier so far away and in danger, knowing there's nothing you can do to protect them and that you have to dig deep to find the person that you are capable of being, because you really do need to be everything to everyone at that point. But you'll find out quickly that your spine is made of steel, that if you cry in the shower your eyes don't puff up, and that you are far handier with a wrench than you ever thought you could be.

5. Tell me a story that sums up military life for you.

That sums up military life for me? Wow. During hubby's last deployment, we came down on orders for Fort Polk. We both breathed a big sigh of relief because he was deployed until three months after his report date. They'd have to cancel them and we had nothing to worry about. His dog got sick and he was sent home six weeks before that report date and we had to report after all. Six weeks to PCS from Europe to Louisiana is NOT easy, it was unexpected and disapointing, but we got it done and have had a reasonably positive experience here. Never ever think you know what's gonna happen in the army because it can change in an instant, so be ready for ANYTHING.



Do you know a military spouse with an interesting story or a unique outlook? I always welcome comments, too. Please share this blog (facebook, email, smoke signal) any way you can think of. :) Thank you!

Five Question Friday-- First Friend :)

I started thinking the other day about how we all have such similar stories as military spouses, and yet our voices are very different. Our points of view don’t get heard very often, and when they are it can sometimes seem like we only hear the whining spouses or the “omigoodness she’s too good and perfect to be believed” super-spouses.

I’m not a super-spouse and I try really hard not to whine. I know many other wives like myself, and I hope someday to hear more from male spouses as well. I’d like to use my Friday blog to hear a little bit more from these extraordinary people. III Corps Commanding General, Lieutenant General Don Campbell, Jr. said this to a group of incoming Soldiers and spouses the other day: “Soldiers serve and they know what they are getting into. Spouses serve for the love of their Soldier.”

My friend Erica was the first one to answer my query. She is pretty amazing. I first met her when I was working on Fort Hood as an FRSA and she and her husband were in the unit. She was the treasurer for the FRG (which I wouldn’t wish on anyone) and her husband was one of the sweetly smiling young Soldiers who I loved to help the most. They now have two adorable little girls, Erica writes a blog of her own, and I am so glad to be able to say he is home safely from this last deployment.

Here are her Five Answers.

1. What are five things you know now about military life that you wish someone had told you?

-Patience, patience, patience. Your patience will be tested..daily, sometimes hourly.
- Your spouse’s phone will ring at the most annoying of times.
- You can handle things you didn't know you could.
- You are stronger than you think you are.
- Your Army family really does become your family.

2. What is the most important thing you'd like to tell new spouses?

Have the right attitude. Get involved. Make friends.. They will become your strength during deployment time.

3. What do you love the most?

The closeness of the military community. The pride.

4. What do you find the hardest?

The hardest for me is the loneliness and dealing with things by myself all the time. It takes a toll and can drain a person. It's also very hard for me to hear my 3 year old say daily, hourly, "I miss daddy" when he's deployed. Very emotional.

5. Tell me a story that sums up military life for you.

Military life for me is constant deployments. I've done 3 deployments in 6 years. My husband and I got married and 4 months later he deployed for a year in Iraq. He came home and was home for 18 months and we had 1 child (and was pregnant with another) in that time frame then he deployed for a 2nd year in Iraq. Came home and deployed a year later for Afghanistan. We just finished a year in Afghanistan. Those times aren't counting when he's been away for training or work related stuff. In the last 6 1/2 years we've only been together probably 2 1/2 years at best. It's been very hard. We are in the middle of a BRAC move at the moment and we'll only be at this new post for a year before we ETS and move again.


So...What's your story? Do you know a military spouse with a unique view of things? Let me know in the comments box. Thanks!