Tuesday's Ten: Moments of Grace

Over the last two weeks, there have been some remarkable moments of grace that have helped make this deployment skitter along a little faster, a little smoother.  There is a lot out there (even on my own blog) about what not to say, what not to do, what makes it difficult, etc...  But here are some little shining moments.

1. The retired Navy couple at Baskin Robbins:  They'd both been in the Navy until full retirement, and had alternated shore duty with being on the ship.  Both of them knew what it was to be away, and both of them knew what it was to be home with the kids.  They asked me to send along a "thank you" to My G, and they thanked me as well.

2.  The promotion ceremony I went to last week: The traditions and patriotism of military honors do well to remind us why we fight, why we stand behind our military.  Duty. Honor. Country. They're not just words.

3.  My friend, the first "best friend" I had so very long ago:  She is in training for a brutal-sounding event that raises money for Wounded Warriors. I didn't realize until today that the event was designed to be a fundraiser.  What touches me most is that I know people who are not seemingly connected to the military, but who want to do what they can to help.

4.  The Hug Lady:  She's been to every homecoming that Fort Hood has, and she hugs each Soldier who comes through.  She's the first one to hug our husbands, fathers, daughters, mothers as they return.  I got to see her in person at the promotion ceremony the other day, and her small stature belies her great strength and commitment.   Grown men, weary and hardened by battle, grow misty-eyed when they talk about her.

5.  A Department of the Army civilian, standing behind me in line to congratulate our newest General Officer:  He simply said he looks forward to the day when our team gets their hugs, too.

6.  The lady at the gardening center:  When My G is away, I try to "keep things up".  I know I'm not going to do as good a job as he does on the yard, but I want to keep the weeds away and keep the yard looking like someone cares.  She helped me figure out what products to use, and she gave me a free product that would help.  Just because.  The fact that she acted out of kindness for my obvious confusion without making a big deal out of it, was what made the difference.

7.  A new friend:  Simply saying "oh, yes, I've done that too" when I confess to not only missing a previous meeting but writing down the wrong date for an upcoming one.  I guess she figured I had probably kicked myself enough times and didn't need to rub salt in it by asking "Are you losing your mind?"

8.  The person I was supposed to meet:  If I hadn't mentioned that I could have sworn we'd scheduled a meeting but couldn't find it anywhere in my notes, he wouldn't have said a word.  Instead, he called later and arranged for another date.  Grace.

9.  Technology:  I fully realize how blessed I am that I can virtually chat with my husband on a regular basis, occasionally even see his face, and hear his voice like he's right here with me.  I am blessed beyond measure.

10.  A Soldier, wounded beyond words, learning to walk again:  He's home to see his daughter's birth, home to hold her and her Mama.  Even as the rest of his unit begins to arrive home, he continues to fight because for him, this battle is not over.  But he's home, and sometimes that's all the grace we can hope for.

Veterans' Day-- What to Say?

So, it's Veterans' Day, and I love all of the "thank you" and "honor a vet" kinds of things I'm seeing on Facebook and elsewhere.  I know there are people who don't think once about a Soldier or a vet until this day rolls around, and I know those whose hearts are touched every moment by the true meaning behind being a veteran or current military member.

It's all good.

The free meals, discounts, and other "we appreciate you" gestures that have popped up from certain businesses are nice.  I try not to be cynical and just try to think the best of the businesses that offer them.  But I digress.

My friend Kat is in the beginning stages of setting up an equine therapy program, and she told me that most of the clients will be wounded warriors-- those vets who didn't come home from combat unscathed.  I don't know the details, exactly.  I have heard great things about equine therapy with lots of different groups, and I think that there is a little bit of magic to be made in the saddle.

Somehow, horses don't have to be told what we need.  They don't need to know what to say, what to do, or how to avoid those awkward conversation topics.  They just are.

However, the therapists and handlers are very human.  And, like many people, Kat said she wasn't sure exactly what to say.  Or, perhaps more importantly, what not to say.

We'll start with a little bit of "what to say" to get the ball rolling.  Easy stuff first.

My own beloved Soldier told me "talk about sports".  No politics, no "are we STILL in name-that-distant-country", no hot topics.  

Ask where a Soldier (or family member) has been.  Ask where they're from originally.  Let them know "hey, I've been there!" or "Gee, I always wanted to go."

Talk about  hobbies, talk about interests...heck, just ask them about themselves.  And if they don't seem like they want to open up, let the silence be an easy one.

Let them know if a loved one is in the military, or is/was a vet.  You don't need to get into details, especially difficult ones (no talk of "Uncle Jeff was never the same after Vietnam" or "Grandma really suffered after Grandpa died in the Battle of the Bulge").  If you're proud of their service, great!  But keep it easy, keep it light.

Build some trust.

Going to be working with the military and you're not sure about acronyms?

Look them up.  :)

Want to learn about bases/posts/installations?  This site isn't official but it is a good general overview.

Now that you have the conversation started, here are some tips about what not to say.  Some of these are my own, many are supplied from other spouses.  I am deeply grateful for the spouse of a wounded warrior who gave me some good advice.

Kat, please don't be insulted.  All of these are things people have said to Soldiers and/or spouses.

First and foremost, you do NOT know how they feel.  (Unless, of course, you are also a wounded warrior or a spouse of one.  Even then it's a pretty bald assumption.)

Frequent travel for work is not the same as a deployment.  Being deployed is not "like any other job" and please don't say it is.

I personally don't really care for "I don't know how you handle him being gone so often/so long".  Heck, most of the time I don't know how I handle it either.  Thanks for pointing that out.

Not all military members like to be thanked "for their service."  My Soldier is always touched when a vet pays for his meal, or shakes his hand with a certain "I understand" expression.

But "hey, thanks for your service!" is sometimes awkward.  There is a fine line between appreciating the sacrifice that these men and women make, and sounding like you're saying "thanks for doing it so I don't have to think about it".

Please, don't ever say "you know what you signed up for".  "You knew what the risks were." We are neither psychic nor omniscient.

ASK before you photograph.  My fellow spouse, whose husband was wounded, has said "no photographs".

She has also said that people should ask her husband what happened to him-- it is his story, after all.  Perhaps ask the family members how they're doing.  How are they holding up, how can you help.  But for details on what happened-- ask the Soldier.

And knowing a wounded warrior (your uncle, your niece, your friend from college) is not the same as being married to one.  Not even if it's your own child.  It's nowhere close.

Don't ask intrusive details beyond that which you must know to help them.  If you can't see the wounds, ask if they will need help in some way that you can't predict.  If you can see the wounds, don't assume they are unable to do things for themselves.

Especially don't ask those intrusive details of the spouse or other family member.  If they need to talk, let them take the lead.

I hope this has been helpful.  Let's recognize and honor our Veterans and Service members today-- and all year long.

Need more?  Check out these links.

What not to say/do to the spouse of a deployed soldier.

What not to say to a Soldier's spouse. (I don't agree with all of these but you'd still be surprised what we get told.  I'm told that the original post was on The War Report, which is another interesting site.)

Funny, though snarky...

A bit of the Soldier's perspective.  Especially the comments after the original short post.

This one is haunting...  In memory of SPC Jason Cooper.